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  2021-01-28

  Freezer Failure

  January 28, 2021, around 11 PM one of my friends called me, we normally don’t talk on the phone so I assumed something was wrong. I could tell that she was driving and her voice was shaky. She told me that a freezer had failed at her mom’s work and that around 1,300 vaccines would be expired by 5 or 6 AM. She was told to try to get anyone she knew to get to the hospital in order to reduce the chance of wasting such a hard to get thing. This was prior to my state lifting restrictions on who was eligible for the vaccine yet. Not everyone could get it, just certain people due to age, pre-existing conditions, and career. The clinic did a good job at still trying to make sure that people who were eligible got to the front of the line, but they knew that they needed to make sure every vaccine was used. My girlfriend and I would not have made it there in time since we were over 3 hours away, but her family all lived within a 30-minute drive. We started calling her parents and brothers to wake them up and get moving. Her mother, oldest brother, and soon to be sister-in-law were all teachers and were going to have to start teaching in person again. None of them would have been eligible until a month or more after going back in person, and they were all decently nervous about being in person unvaccinated. Her family got lucky and was able to get vaccinated that night. I cannot thank my friend enough for calling me to keep the people who have become my family safe.
• 2020-12-15

  Life through Photographs during COVID19

  Coronavirus hit me as a senior in high school. It began as an exciting two-week spring break and then continued to alter my life and everyone else's with no end in sight. I acknowledge that I was lucky in the ways coronavirus affected me as I did not lose my job, any loved ones, and was lucky enough to stay healthy along with my family. However, coronavirus and its related restrictions did hit me in ways I never would have imagined. It started with the loss of graduation, the loss of closure at the end of my senior year, worsening mental health, and questioning everything that was to come of my future. I had a plan: a plan to graduate along with 400 other students, a plan to travel in the summer, and a plan to go to college. These plans that seemed so certain were all uprooted instantly. Instead, graduating high school seemed like a formality, not a celebration, college at UW seemed so uncertain and financially difficult that I questioned attending, and traveling became a walk to the park. In the first few months I found myself sinking into a depression, my body and brain shutting down. I felt lost. As time passed, I began to find purpose and to find enjoyment in little things I never would have months prior. In the first few months, I found myself trapped in my house with little interaction, falling into a rut of depression and anxiety. I slowly began to find enjoyment in small things that got me out of my head. About a month into isolation I found myself scrolling through years of photos and videos reminiscing on my pre-covid, pre-mask, and pre-isolation self. I instantly began to print these old pictures creating photo journals and I made several slideshows of photos I had taken or found throughout my life. I created a video of my senior year of highschool full of photos and videos portraying the amazing times I was able to be a part of. I watched myself grow in these photos along with some of my closest friends and family. At first, these old photos made me sad, made me feel so alone, and then the photos made me appreciate everything I have been a part of. Looking back on the past, I realized how much I took these moments for granted. The small things such as going to restaurants, attending school in person, playing sports, etc. While looking back at the many adventures, I appreciated every photograph, every laugh, every cry. I realized how important the small things were. This is when I discovered my love for photographs, collaging, and slideshows. Creating these photo journals and slideshows gave me a reason to get out of bed and made me feel like I had a life in a time like it felt like I was completely lost. I had a five-month summer ahead of me, the longest break from school I have had since I was five years old. These photographs allowed me to spend time and energy on something that distracted me from reality. Slowly, the reminiscing and creation of these collages of my pre-covid life led to a sense of longing, a longing to be rid of this pandemic. I then found a job and instead of dreading a shift, I looked forward to it as it gave me a sense of purpose. I would document my coworkers who soon became some of my closest friends. I took photos of us at the break, spilling mop water on the floor, and going on drives to buy us all coffee. I then used the photographs to document the time I was in instead of the time I had once lived in. As restrictions started to lift I began to see my friends again but not in the same way. We would sit in our cars in parking lots, at parks six feet apart, or wearing masks on each other's front yards. I photographed all of this. I made videos of us blasting music as we sat in our cars not being able to hug or embrace each other. I wonder how these photos will age. These moments I have captured are of unimaginable times. I will view these in years looking back as the best and worst times of my life. Slowly I was able to create my social bubble of work, family, and a few friends. ll of these people became my support system, my family. Through these last few months, I and those around me have gone through more than I have experienced with anyone else. This includes loss of employment, loss of income, loss of family members, and loss of mental health. I started to create collages and photo journals to give to those around me. When sharing these pictures with those around me it brought smiles to our faces as we reminisced about our memories together or laughed at the altered world we live in today. I found that when I got to my darkest points I found solace in my photos and the sharing of these photos. Later in quarantine during July a few of my friends and I decided we were going to explore Oregon in every aspect we could. We hiked beautiful mountains, swam in the lakes, went to the beach, and watercolored in parks. I documented all of this along the way. Now instead of looking back on what I missed pre-COVID, I look at what I found during COVID. I found my family, my escape, myself. I found that I have captured more memories during these last nine months than at any other time. I have done more for myself and with those around me than I ever have. These photos and videos have been my way of illustrating the positive effects of this pandemic in my life. A couple of years ago I may have looked at these photos and videos and thought why masks? Why social distance? Why so much time spent with my family inside? Now, they bring a smile to my face. Yes, COVID19 has taken many things but it has given me many things as well. And one day I hope to show what it gave me through my photos.
• 2020-12-01

  Journaling Through COVID

  It was probably late March this year when I realized the pandemic was much bigger than anyone could have predicted. On the 16th, when my school district and the whole of the country went into emergency lockdown for three weeks, it just felt surreal, as if there was no way any of this was actually happening. Still as cases started rising day by day, I’d watch the graph as it went up and down, counting the COVID cases as they happened. I’d track the global progress in dealing with the pandemic, taking in every new piece of information about it, my mind buzzing and eventually pounding with everything happening around me. To say the least, it wasn’t long before I quickly became overwhelmed with the weight of everything around me, beginning April. It was around that time when I found my journal, a small navy colored book, probably costing about a dollar, yet worth so much more. Before the pandemic began, I rarely used a journal or any physical book to organize my thoughts; I’d just sometimes use the notes app on my phone. But, as the pandemic snowballed into what it is now, and I felt my relationship with the world around me changing, I quickly realized I needed an outlet specifically designed to help me process my thoughts. A new news story in this crazy year would pop up. I wrote something down. I graduated high school in a cramped car packed with my family in a traffic line of people I couldn’t really recognize, instead of a crowded stadium with everyone I’ve known since I was eleven. I wrote something down. I celebrated my 18th birthday in a socially-distanced way, instead of going out with my friends. I wrote something down. Starting college, two states away from my school, beginning what’s supposed to be one of the best experiences, alone. I wrote something down. And, yet, feeling guilty, writing all of this, knowing and understanding that I am still incredibly fortunate and lucky to be surrounded by those who love me, and I them. I write something down. Whether I realized it or not at the time, journaling really became a therapy to calm my already anxious mind from overthinking, as it slowed me down enough to process the surrounding changes. My journal was one of the few things, one of the few spaces in this new lifestyle, that I felt I had complete control over. No matter what was going on outside, and as much as I’m trying to learn more about everything that comes up this year, taking it in while still also taking care of my mental health, I suddenly found this space where I could just think, say, and write what I feel. More than just a place to process my thoughts, which is what I usually take from writing, my journal just became an extension of myself, a comfort that I didn’t know I needed, as I was able to take things one step at a time. In a world of judgement and chaos, I could return to a place where there was order, and I could say what I wanted, how I really felt about so many things changing at once, all out of my grasp. I’m safe there. And, when I wasn’t writing what I was feeling or thinking at that moment, but still needed an escape, I'd use this journal, alongside my sketchbook, adding in aimless doodles or spending time actually sketching. In the same way one reads books to learn a new truth or escape reality, I did so too for just long enough to gain control of my feelings before diving back into a world too big to understand. It was, and still is, the middle ground connecting my quarantine space with the world around me. But, perhaps one of the biggest advantages of documenting this journey is that now I have this time capsule of what I was feeling, what I’m still feeling about this entire crisis and how I’ve been dealing with it. It’s a piece of me that will always reflect my own perspective amongst everyone else’s voices and stories throughout all of this chaos, and I get to hold onto it forever. So going forwards, journaling is something that I hope I can always return to, especially in times of stress or anxiety, for the value and journey of reflecting on self-identity is one that will always remain priceless.