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2021-02-17
It took my world
This is a photograph of my best friend, my mother. In December of 2020, we went to Disneyworld and came back with Covid-19. I was barely pregnant at the time, but my Covid symptom was only a cough. This cough would only hurt my uterus, so when I started to miscarry, I wasn’t too surprised. My mom, on the other hand, thought that her muscles were sore from walking around the parks for a few days. She had a cough and a bit of a fever, but was still walking around the house as we quarantined together. She was cold, which only ever happened when she was sick. One day, she didn’t leave her room because she was struggling to catch her breath if she did too much. She had me turn the heater on for her because of how cold she was under her blankets and comforter. She had been keeping her C-PAP machine on to give her the extra air support, but when we checked her oximeter, it was only at 70. So I called the paramedics like she asked me to, they came, we met them at the door, her vitals were taken, and they said that I could take her to the hospital or they could. I told her that I would drive. I had to take her to the emergency room that was not in our normal network because that’s what was open. I took her there with the expectation of getting her transferred the next day. When we called, the other hospital couldn’t take her because all of their beds were filled. So, she stayed there, and I couldn’t be with her because they were trying to keep the spread down. She was texting and FaceTiming me for the first 4 days that she was in the emergency room. On the 5th day though, she stopped responding. I called the hospital and they told me that she had spoken to her doctor and they had decided to put her on the ventilator to give her body a break for a few days. It was not a few days. On day 39 of her being on the ventilator, they lowered her sedation medication and she had no eye movement. So, I told them to let my brother go in and say his second final goodbye and to call me when they had ended her fight the next day. They called and said that she took a few seconds off of the ventilator before they called the time of her passing. I was alone now. My dad passed away in 2006 and my brother was a technical part of my family, but it was just me and my mom in the house still. Now, it was just me. A year later, I lost my home because I couldn’t get a loan approval to buy out my brother’s half of the equity. At that time, I was pregnant again with the baby girl that my mom dreamt of me having. This child that she had planned to be overly involved with, to play with, to snuggle, to kiss, and to have memories and adventures with. But now, the nursery would be someone else’s room. A stranger. Covid-19 took my baby, my mom, my house, my stability, and my will to love. I have been able to love my baby girl, but I am always comparing myself to my mother and thinking about how she could’ve been the best grandma. How she would’ve helped me. How we would’ve traveled to so many places together. And now, I struggle to pay rent on a single room. I leave my child at daycare 5 days a week and try to keep her there for each meal in case I don’t have enough to feed her. And I hide away from a lot of socializing because my mom was my favorite person to hang out with. -
2020-03
Old dog/new tricks! a new way to teach.....
I finally became a video star.....that was never my intention when I started teaching fifty years ago! I am an adjunct art professor. When lockdown came and I couldn't teach in person, I had to find a new way to teach my class.....Zoom felt too complicated to me so I communicated with my students via email and videos that my husband and I made in the basement! A 15 minute video took over 3 hours or more between the filming and the editing! In addition, I really had to work hard to find the best way to communicate-the most effective way to present the lesson, as no questions could be asked as I presented the material. It really got me to think and be very clear about the subject and the best way to teach it. Once in front of the camera, I made believe I was talking to my class and just ran with it! I felt comfortable once I started. It was funny though, as we had to carefully think about camera angles and outfits that worked well as I moved! After all, this was permanently on tape...And, I had to be brave! My Brooklyn/StatenIsland accent was forever heard, as well as facial features, expressions and body parts that have always plagued me be forever seen! Overall, though, a great experience!!!! Who would have thought that such an awful, disturbing period could bring about new, positive experiences! Ah, but that is life after all, isn't it? -
2020-04
2020 Planner
This bullet journal, titled "Keep It Together," was created fresh after moving states in January of 2020. January through February are well organized, with the planner I drew out having individual days, and places for grocery lists, to-do lists and monthly goals. Even March keeps the same energy, stretching into the beginning of the pandemic, but April comes with a great shift. What was once a detailed planner has lost any sense of time, becoming an amalgamation of grocery lists for vague weeks, stream-of-consciousness poetry, and abandoned bullet lists of brainstorming what to do with my life...only for the journal to snap back into focus at the end of July, continuing its main function as a planner, what with less frills than before. This mirrors my own experience in 2020, as April-July was the period of time I spent alone, living in a new city, working at a fast food job that did not stop when the rest of the world did. I felt very much like my journal, unmoored and adrift, until a change in job and living situation and deciding to go back to school helped bring me some sense of purpose again. -
2021-04-01
My Awakening
For me, the start of covid began in the middle of my freshman year of college. Just like everyone else, I took my precautions and even got the vaccine. Around April of 2021, being isolated and forced to accompany myself. I had felt like I was in a transitioning stage of life, I felt the need to grow and do more things for myself. I have completely changed my life around, a full 360. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend because I could see our differences in emotional intelligence and maturity. That was my final straw that made me break out of my cocoon. I had deleted some social media that I felt was a major distraction and a road block for me to grow more confidently. I began focusing more on my school work and connecting with new people. I even got a new serving job and was making good money for being a college kid. I learned to enjoy the things I had forgotten about, such as painting and singing. I learned to connect to myself. This pandemic has opened me up to new opportunities and has provided me with a few life lessons. Life is more than simply succeeding to be at the top. Don’t forget to take a breather and surrender to what the moment is teaching you or blessing you with. -
2021-08-28
A year and a half (and counting) in my room
Before hell happened I had never exactly been much for being outside, I live in Texas what do you expect? I spent most of my days inside and only ever went out for 1.5 social events a week and weekly classes. Then things started to go bad. Suddenly I had no reason to ever go outside, suddenly I was alone in my room, surrounded by mess and with only the light from my lamp and monitors. I actually started to take more walks because of the pandemic, I just had to get outside, I had to move at all, I had to do something. The human brain is not well equipped for quite this level of repetition, day in day our in the same environment doing the same thing, checking the same few websites to see how bad things have gotten for those still brave enough stupid enough or desperate enough to be out in the world, to see the hell that the world became when everything changed. It is an experience that does not do well for motivation or mental health. I stopped really caring about school, I spent most of my days thoughtlessly doing the same thing and thinking, always fucking thinking about the state of the world and my own life and my own meaningless existence and I just couldn't... I couldn't stop thinking, thinking that my life had no meaning and I was worthless to all those around me and I was alone. Apparently, the human brain is not equipped for quite this level of repetition. It's quite a wonder I'm even stable now, considering the things I went through over this hellish year and a half, but here I am an, my life means nothing and I'm fine with that because life is beautiful, even if people are irresponsible and hateful it isn't their fault, it's the fault of the very people who let this get out of hand in the first place. I was able to finally see that, and I kept realizing it over and over and over and over again, and I'm still realizing it today. The real point is that we are not separated by race or religion or sexuality or gender identity or anything like that, we are all just people, and we need to help each other. The human brain is not well equipped for quite this level of repetition but that's only if we're alone. -
2021-06-06
Pandemic Thanksgiving
Our first pandemic thanksgiving -
2019
Men In The Mirror
These are all doodles I made during the pandemic when I felt myself crashing, self-sabotaging, or just critical condition emotionally. The drawing on the left is the most recent drawing I made. It shows that I have a heart that is depressed and a mind that is rotting away with a confused face. In the background, you also see the word help radiate from me. This symbolizes how I feel about my education. I feel like, during the pandemic, I'm not able to bounce ideas back and forth on my own, so being alone, I get lost and overcrowded. The one on the top right also expresses my view of myself. It shows that I have a bright flame that either gets drowned with depression or fueled with anger. This relates to the pandemic because when everything got shut down, I Felt very divided with what I was doing and who I was. Lastly, the bottom right picture shows me at a table looking at my hands with a bowl of fruit and pills. This was drawn about halfway through my fall 2020 semester because I have focused on medication. Still, they made me also feel emotionless and more confused about my own personal identity and where my heart was with my art if I can't express it. After this drawing, I became numb and ended up not doing most of my finals and leaving me empty for a while during winter break. The only thing that got me out was seeing my family again after seven months of not really seeing anyone close to me. I also stopped taking meds and had a withdrawal effect at the begging of my spring semester. Now I'm just trying to keep my head up to return to normalcy and see my friends that closely monitored me before knowing how I get affected by certain things. -
2020-07-01
Summer baking
Over summer i quickly realized that there was not much i needed to or could do during the midst of a quarantine. So i used it as an opportunity to just have more alone time. I would wake up sometime at night, go downstairs and bake something or even just listen to music if i was feeling lazy. Then I slept through the rest of the day. It was extremely fun to just reverse my sleep schedule without much consequence. It was also fun to fail a bit at cooking without anyone being awake to judge me. Sometimes, i wore halloween makeup out of boredom, and again, no one to judge. I still miss having so much time to myself to just recharge and be silly. -
2020-05-11
Nick Maleno's Covid-19
This story explains what i did to help my get through the first part of this pandemic. -
2020-08-10
Children in a pandemic
Children and the pandemic. My four year old daughter does not understand what a pandemic is. She repeats that she cannot go outside or to school or to the park because of "the coronavirus". Her and her siblings, along with children all over the world, have been greatly impacted by this pandemic with no understanding of the ramifications of it's spread. Children have been sent home, isolated, many removed from space places like schools or after care programs. They have lost friendships and socialization. They have lost structure. Some have lost family members. Parents out of work have cost their family food or housing. Adults struggling to cope with their own depression and anxiety has increased children's as well. For me personally all seven of my children have been affected. My son was forced to move home from college and fell into a deep depression. My oldest daughter never walked across a graduation stage or finished her senior year. My fifteen year old with autism lost support services from school. My thirteen year old lost sports and his friendships. My ten year old with epilepsy had medical testing pushed back and then had hospitalizations with only one parent allowed, even had to be taken by paramedics alone to the hospital once. My seven year old with ADHD lost all class structure and intervention programs to help him and his anxiety and panic attacks have grown more severe. And my four year old, pictured above, lost her classroom and her joy from attending preschool daily. The new round of "return to school" virtually is brought with more anxiety and worry that the kids are not alright. The picture above showcases the innocence of a child wanting to explore the world, trapped inside and the slight sadness that this may be for the long haul. -
2020-04-14
Children in a pandemic
Children and the pandemic. My four year old daughter does not understand what a pandemic is. She repeats that she cannot go outside or to school or to the park because of "the coronavirus". Her and her siblings, along with children all over the world, have been greatly impacted by this pandemic with no understanding of the ramifications of it's spread. Children have been sent home, isolated, many removed from space places like schools or after care programs. They have lost friendships and socialization. They have lost structure. Some have lost family members. Parents out of work have cost their family food or housing. Adults struggling to cope with their own depression and anxiety has increased children's as well. For me personally all seven of my children have been affected. My son was forced to move home from college and fell into a deep depression. My oldest daughter never walked across a graduation stage or finished her senior year. My fifteen year old with autism lost support services from school. My thirteen year old lost sports and his friendships. My ten year old with epilepsy had medical testing pushed back and then had hospitalizations with only one parent allowed, even had to be taken by paramedics alone to the hospital once. My seven year old with ADHD lost all class structure and intervention programs to help him and his anxiety and panic attacks have grown more severe. And my four year old, pictured above, lost her classroom and her joy from attending preschool daily. The new round of "return to school" virtually is brought with more anxiety and worry that the kids are not alright. The picture above showcases the innocence of a child wanting to explore the world, trapped inside and the slight sadness that this may be for the long haul. #REL101 -
2020-04-30
Children in a pandemic
Children and the pandemic. My four year old daughter does not understand what a pandemic is. She repeats that she cannot go outside or to school or to the park because of "the coronavirus". Her and her siblings, along with children all over the world, have been greatly impacted by this pandemic with no understanding of the ramifications of it's spread. Children have been sent home, isolated, many removed from space places like schools or after care programs. They have lost friendships and socialization. They have lost structure. Some have lost family members. Parents out of work have cost their family food or housing. Adults struggling to cope with their own depression and anxiety has increased children's as well. For me personally all seven of my children have been affected. My son was forced to move home from college and fell into a deep depression. My oldest daughter never walked across a graduation stage or finished her senior year. My fifteen year old with autism lost support services from school. My thirteen year old lost sports and his friendships. My ten year old with epilepsy had medical testing pushed back and then had hospitalizations with only one parent allowed, even had to be taken by paramedics alone to the hospital once. My seven year old with ADHD lost all class structure and intervention programs to help him and his anxiety and panic attacks have grown more severe. And my four year old, pictured above, lost her classroom and her joy from attending preschool daily. The new round of "return to school" virtually is brought with more anxiety and worry that the kids are not alright. The picture above showcases the innocence of a child wanting to explore the world, trapped inside and the slight sadness that this may be for the long haul. #REL101 -
2020-06-17
Numb
As I gear up to teach high school remotely this fall, many members of my community are demanding "robust" and "rigorous" curriculum with a live daily bell schedule. We have received the opportunity to train on a host of technologies. Conversations are centered around ensuring that students do not fall behind academically. For me, these topics are misguided. How can we teach students rigorous academics without first addressing their emotional well being and the state of their mental health? If we truly want students to learn this year, we need to first focus on who they are and what they need as humans. Only then can true learning occur. Numb, created by Liv McNeil - a 9th grade student in Canada, captures what many of our students are likely experiencing during the COVID-19 pandemic. I hope that global education systems can prioritize the mental well being of our students over "rigorous" and "robust" curriculum.