Items

• 2024-11-11

  Parallel Timelines

  In 2020, I jumped to an alternate timeline. Everything I had known before became somewhat stranger, uncanny, the familiar suddenly not quite familiar. I began to lose trust and safety in my community, my family, and myself. I wondered if it was the beginning of the apocalypse. I wondered how we would survive -- any of us. It started with an earthquake. We lived in southeastern Idaho, and I had never experienced an earthquake in my twenty-five years. I was home with my partner and our two dogs. There had been news of the virus spreading in places far from us, but it seemed distant and inconsequential. Nothing seemed to touch us in our rural, isolated patch of Idaho desert. Things were as they'd always been and always would be. We had just made dinner -- mini Hawaiian sliders, kettle chips, and orange soda -- and had settled in to eat when the soda in the bottles began to ripple and shake. The dogs lifted their heads and tucked their tails. We both stared at the soda, then shifted our gazes out the window to the dry Lost River Valley, where we watched the land move in a way that didn't seem to make sense. I felt the shift internally as the earth shifted in kind. Something inexplicable had changed. Soon, people began to talk of the apocalypse; swarms of locusts (or murder hornets), natural disasters, plague, conspiracy, political unrest, riots. It was global; it was in our backyard. It was far out of our control and too close to home. And though wouldn't know it for a few more months, I was pregnant. I had never planned to be a mother, but I suddenly had to grapple with bringing a daughter into this unstable, dangerous landscape. The following week, my partner was laid off from work. Uncertainty grew. Lockdown protocols began, but they were ignored by most of our community. I continued going to work at my public-facing job, afraid each day that my unborn child and I would be infected with the mystery virus by the many, many people in my community who didn't believe it existed, who ridiculed me for wearing a mask, who thickly associated the taking of health precautions with opposing political ideology, compromised morality, and poor intelligence. My partner began to experience inexplicable health concerns: sudden, severe bouts of vertigo, rapid heart rate, weak pulse, fainting spells, inability to digest food, and days-long migraines. It was chronic and debilitating, preventing him from seeking consistent work. None of the health providers he met with was able to identify the source of these issues, citing either anxiety or sympathetic pregnancy and sending him home. He worried he was dying of an undetectable disease. I worried that nothing would make sense ever again. When I was seven months pregnant, our landlord made the decision to turn our home into a vacation rental. This left us to either pay highly increased rent or find a new home. However, over a few short months, the cost of housing had nearly doubled in our community, and we could no longer afford to live there. Our only option was to move out of state to live with family. My daughter was born healthy, though I gave birth alone because the hospital would not allow visitors. A couple of months later, in our sick and sleep-deprived states and while navigating new parenthood, we packed all we knew and took the leap. We came out alive on the other side. Nothing was as it had been, but we were hopeful of new opportunities. Trump left office. The vaccine was developed and distributed. My partner found ways to cope with his mystery illness and found meaningful work. We both returned to school. Things moved on, forever changed but not destroyed. But now, in 2024, I've jumped timelines again. It started when I swallowed a pill of Iodine-131, a radioactive isotope of iodine meant to kill the thyroid cells in my body that had become cancerous. Something shifted at that moment, and each event since has eerily mirrored the events of 2020. I once again find myself feeling that sense of strangeness, that uncanny reality, that loss of trust in the self and the other. I am unexpectedly pregnant with a second daughter, and the pregnancy is high-risk because of its proximity to the radioactive iodine treatment. My partner works, but I have struggled to get back into the workforce. There have been sudden personal conflicts with the family that have supported us, and we are now faced with finding a new home within the next six months. My physical and mental health have declined. And as of this week, we are living with the nearly unfathomable reality of a second Trump presidency. I try not to attribute unneeded significance to perceived patterns, but it's hard to ignore the parallels between then and now. Each shift feels like stepping into an uncanny mirror: familiar yet alien. I wonder if these parallels suggest a lesson or are simply the chaotic rhythm of life. In the midst of it all, I hold on to the small victories -- the ways we’ve learned to cope, to rebuild, to love fiercely in uncertain times. Despite everything, we are still here. I hope that this time, the other side will bring more than just survival: it will bring peace. As I sit with the weight of both past and present, I am reminded of what remains constant: the love I carry for my children, the strength I find in my partner, and the quiet resolve to face whatever version of reality lies ahead. Maybe we all live in parallel timelines, revisiting familiar struggles in different forms over and over again. For now, I’ll keep moving forward, one hand in each of my daughters', one uncertain step at a time.
• 
  2022-12-17

  Been through it all

  I got married on April 4, 2020. We had planned 125 guests. I was so excited to celebrate with everyone. I remember hearing about covid in China in February and thinking that it was so far away I shouldn't worry. While my daughter was on Spring break everything started shutting down. At first it seemed temporary. Like it would just be a week or two. Just until things died down. Then local governments started getting strict as it became apparent how dangerous covid was. As the rules changed, I had to send apologetic emails disinviting guests due to limits on gatherings. We went from 125 to 100. Then it went to 75, 50, and 25. Each time it was agonizing figuring out who would be cut from our wedding. Finally it came down to just our parents, the pastor and his family, and the photographer. I got my wedding dress back from alterations the day the shop closed down to the public. We had the wedding in my parents' backyard. The pastor's children played guitar and sang. Our honeymoon was canceled a few days before the wedding because the small county in the mountains wasn't letting anyone in who wasn't local. We had a staycation for a honeymoon and played video games together.  We are a blended family. I often tell people we got married at the beginning of the pandemic. It was like "Congratulations on your new sister! You'll be with her 24/7 and never get away from her!" They quickly became sisters. They were each other's only playmate. At the same time they irritated each other just like normal siblings. It bonded them as sisters. It was hard for us when my step-daughter started kindergarten in the fall and my daughter started 2nd grade. We had alarms going off all day to try to manage their classroom google calls while my husband and I attempted to work from home. It was very stressful.  My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in December 2020. At times they refused to allow my dad to accompany her to appointments. She was found crying in a hallway unable to get to the correct room. It was awful. I had to be so careful as my kids started hybrid school to not get her sick. It was hard to balance my kids' need for some stability and trying to be with my mom as much as possible. We made the decision to try for another child so my mom had the best chance at meeting her grandchild. I got to share my positive pregnancy test while visiting. It was such a happy moment in the midst of so much sadness. Adding to that stress was a difficult custody battle over my daughter. We couldn't have extra people at court to support me. My husband had to leave early to get the kids from school. Being left at the courthouse after testifying about how my ex abused me was one of the loneliest moments of my life. I had to take a Lyft ride back home and try not to break down in a stanger's car. My mother's condition got worse quickly. We were able to have a family reunion in June. I was nervous about so many people traveling in, but we needed to have mom see family again before something happened. My mom was admitted to the hospital at the beginning of July. I couldn't visit her because of being pregnant and the risk was too high to go to a hospital. My mom and dad supported this and wanted me to keep the baby safe. I had to record a goodbye message to play for her when she was awake. My mom passed on July 5th, 2021. Even at the funeral, I stayed in a separate room and had a friend read the eulogy remarks I prepared.  I had my youngest daughter in February 2022. We were limited on visitors, so only my husband and dad came to the hospital. So many day cares closed in the pandemic, we had a very difficult time finding child care. Despite getting on the list in early pregnancy, we couldn't start at day care until September. We had to use social media to find part time nannies and alter our work hours to cover child care until she could start day care. She actually just tested positive for covid yesterday after another child at daycare was positive earlier in the week. Thankfully she's vaccinated.  I've been through so much since the pandemic. I'm thankful for what I have, I crave rest. I'm worn out. I lost so much. No bridal shower. No honeymoon. No baby shower. No support for happy and sad moments. It's been really hard.
• 
  2022-04-14

  COVID-19 Vaccines May Protect Your Baby

  This is an Instagram post by asianyouthcenterorg. This post is giving information on vaccinations and pregnancy. It says that Pfizer and Moderna are the most recommended vaccines for expecting mothers.
• 
  2022-03-31

  COVID-19 and pregnancy: More new mothers dying, increasing women's fears during tense time

  This is a news story from The Columbus Dispatch by Megan Henry. This story is about the rising fears of new mothers as COVID has increased their chances of dying. In 2020, motherhood mortality rate increased by 20% in the United States. There were also large disparities in who died, with Black women dying three times the rate of White women during pregnancy. Dr. Jason Melillo, an OB-GYN for OhioHealth claims that COVID is the main culprit for the rise in pregnancy related deaths. Pregnant women are more prone to complications from COVID, with things such as blood clots, stillbirth, and preeclampsia happening more often. This concern has made some couples only deciding on pregnancy until they have both been vaccinated. Dr. Melillo hopes that over time, mortality rates associated with pregnant women will go down.
• 
  2022-03-10

  Why have women been so disproportionately affected by Covid-19? Experts explain

  This is a news story from CNN by Alice McCool. This story talks about the inequalities women have faced during COVID-19. In a CNN poll, women in the G7 countries (US, UK, France, Germany, Canada, Japan, and Italy) felt less supported by their leaders than men did. Some of these inequalities include women being more likely to lose their jobs or take on more uncompensated care work. Other things, such as abortion services, were considered non-essential in some countries during COVID. Minority women and poor women were also more likely to work low-paying jobs and bear much of the economic strain. Additionally, trans healthcare was also viewed as non-essential in many places. In places like Uganda, many women lost their safety net provided from schools, resulting in rising teen pregnancies and early marriages. This article continues showing more examples of the hoops women had to jump through compared to men and demonstrates the social issues that got worse as a result from COVID lockdowns.
• 
  2020-12-30

  Beyond Control

  Kelsie Grazier talks about her hearing loss, the uncertainty of pregnancy during Covid-19 and how both are heavily influencing her art. Her story resonates with me as I loose my own hearing and seek out representation in a world that ignores deafness. Kelsie Grazier's story resonates. Especially with the daily frustrations Covid-19 has brought upon us.
• 
  2020-03-25

  Mandatory shopping orders implemented to help pregnant women

  When these orders by the state and corporations were released everyone was reading them. These played a very important role in ethics. Governor Baker and many stores like Target released orders to implement for shoppers during the pandemic. There were large crowds, long lines, and hectic shopping everywhere, these orders were placed to help those at a disadvantage. Baker said stores must allow an hour before regular hours for those 60 or older and this included disabled people and pregnant women. Target‘s order specifies that pregnant women were allowed to come in during shopping hours that were restricted to these certain groups of people. This is a very ethical thing to do for these people. Standing in line or being high risk in crowds was very dangerous for everyone, but especially for these people. These orders relate to an ethical archive piece that represents how pregnant women were treated during the pandemic. This was a small advantage for them in these unprecedented times. These were put out to reassure their accountability if a situation struck out where these people were put in danger in the crowds when shopping. Also, they both acted in this very quickly, they knew it was ethically the right thing to do, in order to protect these people with a disadvantage or at high risk.
• 
  2020-03-27

  Marginalized groups in a pandemic

  This article is focused on how COVID-19 affected a pregnant woman's birthing experience, especially harming black and native women. This article is very interesting to read and compare it to Brittany's story. Shaine Garcia and Brittany both were hoping for a healthy and smooth experience while giving birth, and COVID did not let that happen for them. The author mentions how the rules implemented allowed no visitors or accompany in these appointments. This prevented doulas and midwives from also being there. Those who were fortunate enough to have home births, midwives, or doulas were at advantage compared to those who could not afford this privilege. “Among mothers with low socioeconomic status, 18.7 percent of white women reported mistreatment compared to 27.2 percent of women of color. Indigenous women were the most likely to report experiencing at least one form of mistreatment by health-care providers during birth, followed by Black and Hispanic women,” says the Giving Voice to Mothers study.” This is the reason many prefer to have doulas because the black maternal mortality rate is twelve times a white woman. There are many disadvantages to those that could not have a home birth or the presence of extra support while giving birth. It is a very dangerous situation for these marginalized groups of women, that are not being treated correctly, especially during a pandemic where they are likely to face it alone. This correlates to the criteria of an item that attempts to fill an archival silence and amplify the voices of marginalized groups. Many people are not aware of the mistreatment happening to black and native women in hospitals. Doulas and midwives are there to help support and protect the mother in many more ways than people know, and because of covid-19, these privileges are being taken away. Although this article doesn’t specify those women who can’t afford them anyway, these women are being silenced. This article serves the purpose to educate and inform those that it is an issue going on and possibly getting worse during the pandemic. This is an article that shares the experiences of black and native pregnant women and how their experiences differ much more than other women. It was found through research.
• 
  2020-10-08

  "The Nightmarish Challenge of Trying to Get an Abortion in a Pandemic"

  The article describes the recent challenges to obtaining an abortion in the US during the COVID-19 pandemic due to several states attempting to add further restrictions on abortion rights. It is important to understand that while it was already difficult for many to obtain abortions to begin with, the pandemic has added even more challenges for those seeking reproductive healthcare as well as more opportunities for anti-choice lawmakers to restrict abortion care.
• 
  2020-09-10

  Covid, Gender Reveals, and Disastrous Wildfire

  I’m currently pregnant during the Covid-19 crisis and I’ve noticed a huge uptick in elaborate gender reveals among other pregnant moms. This is my third child and I just realized after reading this article that the pandemic has made rituals such as this one even more important to our mental health and social connections.