Items
topic_interest is exactly
sadness
-
2020-07-27
Desolation
The moment I saw this photo, I felt the profoundness of it. The New York subway system empty. Normally people would be walking through these gates, flooding the long hall between trains and destinations. The thing that strikes me more than the emptiness is the long tunnel leading to the exit. Well over 100 feet long the tunnel seems to go on forever, a feeling that mimics the endless period of the covid lockdown. It just felt as if it would never end, and now, looking at the tunnel I feel a sense of sadness, as if a year of my life was wasted, one that no matter how much I try to forget, I cannot. -
2021-10-03
Ending High School at the Beginning of a Pandemic
All of the fun memories that are normally reminisced upon later were replaced with stories of disappointment. My last two months of high school were basically stolen from me. COVID-19 stole the fun events that I deserved and worked twelve hard years for. A time that should have been filled with excitement and fun-filled memories with friends turned into memories of disappointment and separation. Everything that I was looking forward to at the end of high school was canceled. There was no in-person school, all sporting events, senior trips, prom, and graduation were canceled. The world turned virtual. I spent my days attending classes through Zoom not being able to truly interact with my classmates. I missed going out to get lunch with my friends and walking down the hallways talking about how much homework we got. I could not leave my house until the day came where we had to wear masks and social distance. My “prom” consisted of taking pictures with my friend and eating dinner at home rather than dancing the night away. My final goodbye to my teachers consisted of a drive-by car parade where we decorated our cars and were cheered on from afar. My graduation turned into a silent, empty auditorium allowing one parent or guardian to record me walking across the stage and receiving my diploma. I was extremely jealous that my Class of 2019 friends, just the year before, got the opportunity to experience all of the things that I didn’t. As a junior, I assisted the senior dessert and I remember how excited I was to be able to participate in it for my senior year. The disillusionment hit me when my senior dessert was driving to Crumbl Cookies, grabbing my cookie, and going home. All of these activities should have happened in-person surrounded by the smiling faces I’ve spent four years seeing, but instead I got a pandemic. -
2021-02-24
The Coronavirus Affects Everyone
I know that the Coronavirus has impacted everyone’s lives in their own way. However, I never thought that Coronavirus would impact my family and me in the way that it has. My dad was a very healthy, active person with a strong immune system who hardly ever got sick. Then, one night out of the blue, he got a high fever and body aches. My mom and I assumed it was just the flu and that it would pass. Although after a week of him being sick, he began having severe breathing problems and the ambulance came to take him to the hospital where he was later admitted that night. Due to high precautions, the hospital wasn’t allowing any visitors, and we couldn’t even send cards or flowers. After a few days, we heard from the doctor that he tested positive for Covid-19. It was an absolute shock. My mind was in shambles and I couldn’t grasp the reality of what was happening. They started him on an experimental treatment immediately. Unfortunately, my dad was always too weak to talk on the phone or text, so we barely had any contact with him and only got information once every afternoon when the doctors called with an update. We patiently waited torturous weeks to hopefully hear of some recovery, but the treatment exhibited no improvement and his oxygen levels continued to decline. Then, on April 6th, we got a call from the hospital saying that his inflammation levels in his lungs were rapidly rising and the medications weren’t helping. They were going to put him on a ventilator, but the doctors didn’t seem hopeful that he would be able to come off it. They gave us his hospital room phone number so we could talk to him and give him any hope we had to offer. From the very few words we got out of him during the call, he told me that he was in pain and no matter how hard he tried to get his body to fight back, the virus was just too strong. That was easily the hardest day of my life. I felt like I was going to lose my dad forever without having the chance to say goodbye. Having to comprehend the fact that I may never get to see or hug my dad was absolutely heart-wrenching. Suddenly, after weeks of prayers and different medications, his body was finally responding to the treatment. The feeling I felt when I heard those words was something I couldn’t and cannot explain. Within about a week, his fever went down, and his lungs were starting to heal. It was a miracle. We couldn’t believe how quickly he was progressing. The doctors did one final Covid-19 test, and he finally came back negative. Soon after that, he was discharged and finished recovering at home. Currently, he seems to be doing much better, but he still has a long road of recovery ahead. -
2021-01-14
The End of an Era with Mickey Mouse for Californians
Since 1988, my annual pass has made Disneyland my second home. Growing up within walking distance of the park, randomly deciding to Disneyland to hang out was a normal part of our day. Bored after school? Want to go out to dinner? Want somewhere to walk around? Popping into Disneyland was the answer. It's not just that I spent nearly every 4th of July, Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve, birthdays, and whatever other holiday there is there, spur of the moment visits for us are like a non Californian deciding to go to Starbucks. Shoot, when my grandparents took me to the park to play as a kid, they meant going to Tom Sawyer's island - to us "the park" is synonymous with what most people call "Disneyland." Married with my own family now, swinging into the park on the regular is still our normal. Before the pandemic, we were at Disneyland a minimum of once a week, even if it was just to go on a couple of rides and grab a bite to eat. Today. for the past two hours, my phone has been buzzing like crazy with people messaging me about the news. As one friend said "it's like our safe space has disappeared." Disneyland has always represented a safe space, a respite from stress and pain and reality. The pandemic truly wasn't real to me until March 12, when Disneyland announced it was temporarily closing its gates by the weekend. We rushed to the park, and, as you can see in my Instagram post, I naively thought we'd be back by April. Reality hadn't set in. Still, through these 10+ months of being home, knowing that we would eventually be back at Disneyland was a beacon of hope. Acknowledging that life after COVID is going to change in ways we didn't consider is setting in now. I realize for someone who didn't grow up in the shadow of the castle, this all probably seems strange. But losing daily access to the place you have been the most for the past 33 years is a sobering moment. -
2020-10-28
Pandemic Playlist: Reflections of Quarantine Life Through Music
In March I was laid off from my full-time job of 6 years. Those first few weeks of unemployment found me struggling to stay productive and positive. With too much time on my hands I did what any well-adjusted person would do in that situation—listened to sad music to make myself feel worse. Tom Waits – More Than Rain Like many Americans, I live paycheck to paycheck. I knew that missing even one pay period would mean falling behind on several bills. I get paid weekly which means that even though I don’t make a lot of money, I at least always have enough to make it through to next Friday. Being broke made me feel like a failure. I resented my pre-pandemic life of always being so busy and going the extra mile at work. What did I have to show for it? “None of our pockets, are lined with gold Nobody's caught the bouquet There are no dead presidents we can fold Nothing is going our way” The “our” in this song made me think of all the other people who were in the same situation as me. I was sad not just for myself, but for everyone else who was out of a job. It reminded me to be grateful for the things I still had. Tom Waits is someone who I admire for his humor, but this particular song is void of any playfulness. The best way I can describe this song is to call it a cross between a lullaby for pirates and a circus ballad for depressed clowns. It features a melancholic vocal and a wearisome accordion sluggishly making its way through the song. “It's more than rain that falls on our parade tonight It's more than thunder It's more than thunder” The pandemic is much bigger than what we initially took it for. It’s poverty, depression, isolation, death… The Specials – Ghost Town The Specials are my favorite band, and this song which is perpetually on my playlist took on several new meanings for me. “Ghost Town” was originally written in response to unemployment and racial tensions in Thatcher era England. Now the song seems as though it was written against the backdrop of Trumpism. “This town, is coming like a ghost town All the clubs have been closed down This place, is coming like a ghost town Bands won't play no more” Driving around downtown San Antonio during the early days of quarantine was incredibly eerie. All the usual sights had vanished: tourists waiting at crosswalks, work trucks driving to their next job sites, bicyclists slowing down traffic, mariachis playing at restaurants, and people strolling the Riverwalk. San Antonio was dead. “This place, is coming like a ghost town No job to be found in this country Can't go on no more The people getting angry” The harmonized ghostly screeches in the chorus set the spooky tone for the song. How can we possibly live in a city that is dead? When everything was closed, I felt like a ghost--dead and unable to enjoy my favorite hobbies. I couldn’t visit friends, travel, or waste time browsing clothing stores. I had a difficult time figuring out how to enjoy life. Ginger Rogers – We’re in the Money Of course a depression era song would resonate with me. For the first time ever I had money in my savings account. This was only possible because I was temporarily laid off and able to receive unemployment benefits. I begrudgingly went back to work when my boss received a Paycheck Protection Program loan. Not only did I have to work in-person putting my health at risk, but I also had to do so at my regular pay rate which was much lower than my unemployment benefits. Body Count – Body Count I discovered this song while watching a video montage of BLM protests on Instagram. I was immediately drawn to Ice-T’s angry vocals complemented by an equally aggressive punk rock backing. The lyrics sound like they written this year, but they are from 1992—a year after the Los Angeles riots. “God damn, what a brother gotta do To get a message through To the red, white and blue What? I gotta die? Before you realize I was a brother with open eyes” The Specials – B.L.M. Just like Ice-T, The Specials have been singing about Black lives for decades. In 1980, Specials guitarist Lynval Golding wrote a song called “Why?” after he was violently attacked because of his race. In that song he seeks understanding and asks his attackers “Why did you try to hurt me?” Almost 40 years later, Golding wrote another song about his experiences with racism. Again, he takes a gentle approach by telling the listener: “I'm not here to teach you I'm not here to preach to you I just want to reach out and say Black lives matter” Cher – Chiquitita These days everything exhausts me, and I feel like I have no time to rest. As soon as Cher opens with “Chiquitita tell me what’s wrong?” I start crying. Thanks for checking up on me, Cher. As with most of her songs, I get happy when her music comes on because I know I’m about to do an ugly sing-along. Nowadays this song just hits different. “You were always sure of yourself / Now I see you’ve broken a feather” I have never felt so uneasy and uncertain in all my life. I used to be the shoulder to cry on when my friends needed comfort. I no longer have the energy to offer my strength. Lila Downs – Una Cruz de Madera Despite being a song about death, the Lila Downs version is a happy, upbeat tune. She turns it into a party song. The overall translation of the song captures how I want my loved ones to handle my passing. Instead of a fancy funeral, I’d prefer a big party in my honor. I don’t want my family and friends to shed tears, or feel any sadness. The only thing I want at my wake is a serenade in the early morning. Toots – Got to Be Tough Toots is one of those artists who radiates positivity. It’s hard to be in a bad mood when his upbeat tempos and powerful, soulful voice booms through the speakers. I saw him perform live a few years ago and watched him with awe. He would step away from the microphone and continue singing at an impressively loud volume—his voice filling up every corner of the auditorium. I was pressed up against the stage because he motioned for everyone to get closer. Toots came over to me several times and squeezed my hand and sang directly to me. In those moments I felt so happy and lucky to be alive. My best friend was right next to me and we both had tears in our eyes. How lucky we were that this Jamaican icon came all the way to perform for us in a stuffy San Antonio venue! We swore that we would see Toots again. I was excited when Toots dropped his new single “Got to Be Tough” earlier in the year. It meant that a tour would follow. The song itself was also a great comfort. “Got to be tough when things get rough You got to be tough and this is a warning You got to be smart, living in this time It's not so easy to carry on” Sadly, Toots passed away from Covid-19 two weeks after his “Got to Be Tough” album was released. Listening to the title single doesn’t bring me much comfort anymore. It makes me think of how excited I was that I was going to see him next year. Now it just makes me nostalgic for the days when we could go to shows and experience a more intimate connection with music. Nothing beats bonding with thousands of strangers who are singing, crying, and dancing to the same music as you. The song makes me miss being as happy as I was that day Toots held my hand and sang to me. -
2020-06
Senior Year: An Anticlimactic End
This Coronavirus has reared its’ ugly head into so many aspects of my life that I only had one shot at. Senior year of high school is supposed to be one of the best times (as every high school movie says so) but instead, I think us 2020 seniors had the worst time. The end of my high school career consisted of online assignments, virtual celebrations, and people telling me my personal favorite, “you’ll never forget it!” Listen… I don’t think ANY OF US are going to forget that we had a GLOBAL PANDEMIC in 2020. Pandemics don't just casually happen, nor do we just simply forget about it to go on and sing kumbaya. Alternatively, we remember and teach it to future generations. Honestly, that statement was not helpful for 2020 seniors but good try. Anyways, for us seniors we anticipated the excitement of finishing high school while having a new beginning so close. It was Friday, March 13th when my senior class of 2020 experienced the official “2 Week Closing”; however, this was our last day of both high school and normalcy. After a week we were told going back was “to be determined”, but we knew that the likelihood of returning was small. I would look through social media and see posts about the excitement of no school, but by the flip of a switch, it turned into rants about missing school and the ability to leave the house. Education moved online while we watched our senior events get canceled. We pushed through online work in a pass/fail system from March 16th until the last day in June. Throughout that time, we saw all our events slip away. Prom… graduation… senior banquets… gone. When it came to graduation day, a pre-recorded ceremony was broadcasted for us senior families to view. My family sat in our backyard with pizza, me in my cap and gown, and the tv just waiting to see me appear. There was no walking across the stage, sitting with friends, or taking pictures afterwards. This was the ceremony and it was dependent on how we celebrated it. My best friend didn’t watch it because as she said: “I’ve already seen enough graduations with my three sisters. I’m fine skipping mine”. I had a friend who played it in the background while their family did their own thing. Never had graduation celebrations be all over the place. When it ended my family congratulated me and that was it. The anticipation of graduation was gone, for I was officially a college freshman. Overall, my senior year conclusion was a wild ride thanks to Coronavirus. I hope the 2021 seniors don’t go through the same disappointments we did and get to experience the events we missed out on. With it already being a crazy start to the school year I think the seniors deserve to have an enjoyable finish. Hey, if they don’t at least this is a time “they’ll never forget”. -
2020-03-19
A comparative evacuation
This is my own story of evacuating Malaysia in March due to covid-19 during my Fulbright grant. This story is important to me because, while I did not want to leave Malaysia, it is a humbling reminder of how privileged I am to have been able to evacuate somewhere when so many people throughout the world had no option but to stay put and brace themselves for the pandemic. -
0020-04-17
Staying At Home
Many people had a lot of time to themselves while sheltering in place since March in the United States. Many people spent their time cooking, cleaning, or participating in art projects. I chose to express myself with a bunch of picture collages which I hung up in my room. I was cutting pictures out of a book I had and I came across a picture of a pandemic from 1918 so I hung it up in one of my collages and decided to include the caption.