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depression
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2020-12-18
Overall lIfe
During this pandemic I got really bad anxiety and depression. I ended up getting 2 gerbils and a cat. I needed to snuggle with them and make myself feel better. The world is so scary still. Everything is getting shut down again, even schools. We are not allowed to leave our house, when we do we have to wear a mask. Grocery stores are almost always empty. Also people feel like they need 20 packs of toilet paper, so getting that is hard. This is important to me because the next generations need to know what happened. History repeats itself, so the next time this happens, they need to know that we can get through this. You are stronger than you think you are <3 -
12/03/2020
Hannah Wolfenson Oral History, 12/03/2020
In this interview, I meet with Hannah again after several months, to ask questions surrounding her experiences with Covid-19, as well as how a course on the history of pandemics has shifted her mindset. -
2020-07
Night market
To promote local economy and save the restaurants from depression due to COVID-19, the local government organized a night market for a week for the public. Restaurants can have a booth and sell their foods for a lower price than normal. Many people came to the event to celebrate. It represents the beginning of dine-in in restaurants and safety for public gathering. -
2020-10-03
Jennifer Martin Oral History, October 3, 2020
Graduate student at ASU, Angelica S Ramos interviews mother of four, Jennifer Martin of Kentucky, to get her first-hand experience of being a working mom during COVID. In this interview, they discuss the hardships of motherhood, how the routine of the household has changed and the hardships Jennifer has encountered. Jennifer also expresses excitement for moving out of the suburbs and into a farm, a decision which was made during COVID. -
2020-05-12T17:30+10:00
Finding Light in the Darkness: Sunset from a Melbourne Apartment in Lockdown
This photograph depicts a sunset from my apartment in Brunswick West, Melbourne on May 12, just before lockdown restrictions begin to ease in Victoria for the first time since March. I had spent that time completely alone in that apartment, as my room mate left for Queensland before lockdown began, my family mainly lived in Queensland, and my friends lived outside my suburb so I could not visit them. This was isolating in multiple ways and led to boredom, sadness, depression, agoraphobia and loneliness. I captured many sunsets like this over the months in my apartment, which brought a small bit of light amidst the dark monotony of lockdown. From this view I could imagine what lied beyond the walls of my small living space, and look forward to a day where I could feel safe moving beyond home and my nearby grocery store. HIST30060. -
2020-05-21
How COVID-19 Will Shape the Class of 2020 For the Rest of Their Lives
Both my sister and my husband had 2020 graduations so I experienced them well firsthand. That being said, when I read this article I thought it was very well written, and that the stories in it were relatable and a good representation. -
2020-10-28
starman has depression
[Transcript]: Panel 1: I cry out - for a gentle hand, a wink or a nod, some sign that the universe cares and that it hasn't all been in vain. Panel 2: But there is no sign. Panel 3: A bird is just a bird, a crane is just a crane, the peng girl you saw on the bus wasn't God in disguise, she was just a peng girl. Panel 4: The universe shrugs. -
2020-03-22
Quarantine Day 7 - 22 March 2020
It was only the seventh day of quarantine. While my two younger children, (then aged 6 and 3) were still enjoying the "newness" of learning from home, my oldest child (pictured here at age 10) was done learning from a distance. In these three photos, I captured my son physically crawling across the floor to the dog's bed in order to cry. He would eventually cry himself to sleep simply over having to learn virtually. He had had essentially no warning that his life would forever be changed when he left school on March 13, 2020. He went from school five days a week, hockey practice five days a week, and a constant stream of friends to play with to being shut in his house with his parents and two sisters. From Day 7 (documented in the picture), he did not cope well with the change. This is the first documentation I have of what would be later diagnosed as his depression. -
2020-10-20
Suicide watch
This post is not my own but it did make me reflect. Social distancing and quarantine are affecting people in a variety of ways. Mostly increasing depression and anxiety. Last week, my cousins twelve year old daughter killed her self. On the outside her life seemed normal, some would even say she lived a privileged life. Internally though, it’s clear that she was suffering. She was silently carrying a heavy burden which because unbearable when she was no longer able to leave the four walls of her home. I can only imagine how many stories there are just like hers. COVID is killing people physically and emotionally. -
2020-10-17
「コロナで収入途絶え」自殺目的で放火か 4人死傷(2020年10月17日)- "The drop in income due to Corona" Suicidal arson 4 people killed/injured (October 17, 2020)
Personally, when I watched this news, I felt like a lot of people can relate to this man. He felt depressed most likely due to loss of income from COVID-19, and just could not handle the reality. However, he did kill and injure people during his suicidal arson, which is of course wrong. What is worse is that he is alive while he involved other people. 「コロナで収入が途絶え死を意識した」ということです。 おとといの夜、東京・北区の木造アパートの自室に灯油をまき、ライターで火を付けたとして、放火の疑いで逮捕された自称・金田一淳悦容疑者が、調べに対し「新型コロナで収入が途絶え、自殺したくて火を付けた」と供述していることがわかりました。 この火事で、2階に住む小野豊さんが死亡したほか男女3人がケガをしています "I considered of killing myself because my income was cut off in Corona." On the night two days, a self-proclaimed Kazuyoshi Kaneda, who was arrested on suspicion of arson for sprinkling kerosene in his room in a wooden apartment in Kita-ku, Tokyo and igniting it with a lighter, the investigation found that he stated, "Income is gone due the new Corona. I lit a fire because I wanted to commit himself". The fire killed Yutaka Ono, who lives on the second floor, and injured three men and women. -
2020-10-16
Selling Coffee during the Plague Year
A journal of a Starbucks employee working during the pandemic. Describes the ways in which the company provided in ways adequate and not. Six weeks of paid stay-at-home that spiraled into depression, and the mounting stress from working with the public, and the pressure to open space for customers to stay in store. -
2020-10-12
Losing it
Financially, we took a hit, so that put more added stress on me. Having my kids home, juggling meals, class work, homework, along with toddlers, a full time job & part time job has put me at my wits end. Not getting daily needed exercise or sun light... 4 months into the shut down, we tested positive for covid. I was the only one with symptoms & they were bad. I was in bed for over a week & with symptoms for 3 weeks & still had to juggle my daily life. I felt like i was falling into a slight depression. It’s been a struggle beyond belief. It’s very overwhelming & there are days that I just want to run. I don’t feel we have caught a break in any way. -
2020-03-13
How The Pandemic Changed My Life For The Better
Learning How To Ride A Bikw -
10/03/2020
Lucy Li Oral History, 2020/10/03
Lucy Li speaks on her experience during the COVID-19 pandemic, including the cleaning ritual she has developed, her new recognition of the need for social interaction, remote work and school, and how the economy’s dip will affect her generation. She finds work-life-school balance, feeling stuck in her apartment, and connection with others challenging. She finds that nihilistic memes, social media management strategy, and park walks with friends keep her grounded. Li finds hope in community resilience. -
2020-07
Finding Myself Through Walking
During this pandemic, I begin to fall into depression and anxiety which I never faced before. I didn’t want to go to the hospital to see my provider to be put on pills for depression and anxiety because I was nervous due to the virus. I slowly begin to pray asking God to help me overcome this battle. I started to do different types of self-care, but nothing would help. I decided to go walking one morning and I knew right away this would help me. Every morning, I get out of bed to go walk the minimum of 3 miles, the maximum would be 6 miles. I enjoyed watching the sun rise and seen the difference it made while being up. I also enjoyed the different weather changes from being summer to beginning to get cold. It has helped me see another day, by making great healthy choices in my food intake. I enjoy the nature and the environment I am walking in. I love hearing the birds chirp, the quietness at times, the cars go by. When I listen to music and sing it helps me release my depression. As I begin to walk, I begin to pray to God and giving him thanks for another day, another day to see his creation and continuously praying. It's important to me because my health reflects my life. This not only helped me with my better living path in staying healthy but involving my son to my walk. Taking him along with me during the walks. I enjoy his presence as well as implementing games, so he doesn’t get bored during our walk. The thing that also helped me out is a great friend who also runs every morning. She gives me encouragement to have a better healthier lifestyle. In order to have life, we need to take care of our inner self. It has helped me physically, mentally and spiritually. -
2020-10-02
Growing Tired of This
This might be long, but quarantine has been one of the worst experiences in my life. At first, I was kinda cool with the fact that I didn't have to go out. Not having to sit in classrooms for hours, not having to deal with hundreds of people at school, not having to deal with intense anxiety anymore! Life seemed pretty good for me at that time. Online classes during my last months in senior year of high school wasn't too bad. But when it came time for college, I was panicking. I mean, who wouldn't? Starting a brand new experience right in the middle of quarantine? That'd shake anybody in their boots. Like most things, it wasn't too bad at first. Sure, Zoom was pretty annoying to figure out, but things seemed to be running smoothly. However, in my opinion, trying to figure out Blackboard is a nightmare. That site is sooo not user friendly, it's such a complete mess. To this day, I'm STILL having trouble with it. The work load isn't too harsh, but trying to muster up the energy to do even anything during this pandemic is difficult. Everyday has started feeling the same: wake up, feel miserable, force myself to eat, try to do something productive (while feeling miserable), go to sleep, rinse and repeat. My depression has never hit this hard until starting college. On my worst days, I literally cannot bring myself to get out of bed and make myself food. I lie there with zero energy until the sun goes down. It'd be 6-8pm before I finally drag myself to the kitchen for a light meal (which is the same thing I've been eating for the past several months) or for a long, hot shower. I can hardly bring myself to focus on school work. As of writing this, it's currently 4:51 AM. My sleep schedule is an utter disaster. On most nights, I end up staying up till the sun rises. It's not too uncommon that I stay up for 20+ hours. Though this all comes crashing back to me when I end up sleeping through class Zoom calls, or even oversleeping and missing my classes entirely (it's happened twice so far and both times have spiraled me into a deep depressive episode that I won't be describing). Trying to be productive during quarantine is a joke. I have a lot of things around me that can entertain and distract me. How am I expected to focus when Twitter, YouTube, and Discord are in my reach 24/7, you know? During my classes, I just tune everything out. What's even the point of listening, when professors ramble on for a two hours about things you don't even care about, when all the assignments just consists of reading a bunch of articles that bore you to death and then having you write some response (that you can easily BS) to it? I never thought I'd say this, but I just want to be allowed to go out again. I'm tired of all of this. I'm so exhausted. Learning virtually is mentally draining. It can hardly be considered learning. I doubt anybody is really even absorbing any information being given to them during these virtual meetings, save for the few innocent souls that haven't been tainted by quarantine depression yet. I'm so sick of it all. I can't focus. I can't bring myself to do anything. I just can't anymore. (Also isn't it kinda stupid how they're letting literal children go back to school and yet campus won't be open? Okay sure, maybe it's because CUNY has way more students, but still. I wouldn't trust a 5 year old to properly wear a mask for the whole day and practice good hygiene. Kids are messy.) -
2020-06-08
Life during Covid 19
During this pandemic my life personally has taken a turn, with my mother being ill with a chronic disease ovarian cancer It was and still very difficult to get through it. I have to be extra careful with going out to places since my mother is a high risk patient. This leaves me with minimal social life which can be depressing because in times like this your friends and close family is your biggest support. This pandemic have impacted many lives, New York a city where there is always a rush and hustle was dimmed down when this pandemic hit which can take a emotional toll on an individual, personally for me since i am an outgoing person It was a difficult adjustment. Furthermore, At some point the same old routine of working remotely and online school can get to you. This pandemic has caused my classes to be fully online which can sometimes be challenging in terms of time management and keeping up with all the work load. Commute has also been rough during this pandemic people are afraid to take the subways making commuting from work an added stress, Overall this pandemic has been a life changing event for many people and I am hoping we soon return to normalcy. -
2020-09-22
Professor Shares Anonymous Student Anxieties
A professor shared student's anxieties about the Fall 2020 semester. Most of the responses show the toll the pandemic has taken on student's mental health. Another common theme is that many students face a multitude of difficulties when it comes to online school. Whether it's finding the motivation to go to class or how a student's home-life creates a toxic environment for online learning. -
2020-09-15
My COVID 19 dilemma.
Throughout my life I have heard stories about past and all the hardships that was encounter and I never thought I will go through the same thing. 2020 brought about a pandemic that will always be remembered. The virus was heard in December 2019 and everyone downplayed the seriousness of it. Everyone thought it was not serious however as it traveled across the globe it laid waste in its path. Killed about 1 million people including friends of mine who fell victim to it. I was emotionally drained and physically depressed due to our new style of living. We lost what we knew was life. Our every day norm and the whole world was on pause. Class being moved to remote didn’t help me academically because not only was I distracted but I kept thinking of what was going on in the world. COVID 19 affected me by ruining all the opportunities I had lined up for 2020, it wasted 1 year of my life and I failed to do anything productive. If life has thought me anything is that nothing last forever and fortunately we are beginning to enter our old life and I can make up for everything I couldn’t have done this year. -
2020-08-31
Winter in Summer
The emotional malaise that, for many people, accompanies winter has now become a year-round morass. Many of the people I know associate summertime with social gatherings and a greater sense of community, and due to restrictions on social gatherings in accordance with social distancing, we are left feeling hollow from prolonged loneliness. The most severe affliction of a pandemic is the effect on our health, but like in the treatment of many diseases, the measures taken to stop the problem often feel as pervasive and unpleasant as the problem itself. There is no choice but to stay committed to social distancing until the situation changes, but for the first time in my adult life, I am feeling what it is like to live in a society that is under a great burden akin to wartime or economic depression. -
2020-03-19
Fighting Creative Blocks During Quarentine
Of course the pandemic hit everyone's motivation and zest for daily life pretty hard, but as an artist whose social circles are mainly comprised of other artists, I noticed an especially hard hit to the creative output of my peers. I've heard before that suffering and despair is supposed to bring out the best artists have to offer, but in reality the inverse is often true- Van Gogh painted the Starry Night while he was getting specialized care in a mental health facility, after all. It's hard to find your spark when it feels like the world is caving in on all sides, but I was determined to find a way to keep myself from falling into a months long creative drought I knew I'd find myself in if I didn't do something about it. I didn't have the energy or desire to touch full sized pieces, but I reasoned with myself that I could stand to go smaller scale to save on both energy and time without sacrificing the feeling of accomplishment that comes with a finished piece, and so the day before every non-essential business in town shut down, I ran to my local Michael's and picked up the cheapest acrylic paints I could find and 3 packs of six 2 inch square canvases. I tried to think of a subject that could easily be captured on such a small surface, but was also sure to spark joy in myself and perhaps others if i chose to share them, and landed on the topic of pets, since they were easily one of the biggest comforts for myself and everyone else I knew during our prolonged stints sitting at home. It was a good move, I think- looking at an an image of an animal for long periods of time never hurts your mood, and sharing photos of the finished paintings with my friends who own the animals pictured brought a boost of serotonin to both parties involved. More than one person suggested I start an etsy page and sell them, but I think I'm content to just let them be a quarantine hobby and act of kindness during a deeply depressing time. -
2020-08-26
My corona story
When the corona virus first hit I am gonna be honest it was just a huge joke in my opinion but then people in my county started getting it and I realized this wasnt a joke anymore I got super sad when we started doing online school because it got cancelled and basically never did my school work so my mom got mad and said that I had to go stay with my friend who lived down the street for the rest of online school I got really mad at my mom and we didnt talk as much especially because I was gone 5 days of the week when i was stuck at my friends house her mother knew that I worked super fast so she would let me sleep all day when I was done with work and then I would stay up two days straight doing things like making them dinner and just chilling out watching netflix in my room up in my bed that i had in there house the only netflix show i really like is glee adn thats the only thing that i honestly like to watch but after a while my friend got really annoyed with her and I spent most of my time fighting with her cause after a while it took a lot not to be mad at everything all the time like every single tiny thing irritated me and then i started losing all of my friends and i cried a lot and got depressed and i never really ate any food because i was always really sad i never ever left bed unless it was to get food or go to the bathroom but then after the corona calmed down a bit me and my fmaily moved and we didnt move towns or antything but we moved from a townhome to an actual house that we owned and you could tell that my miserable sister wasnt as sad anymore and that made the rest of my family happy and my depression slowly went away and now i go to school wearing a mask and get masks break and am on a block scedule which im alright with it doesnt bother me i have fun at school with all my friends and im super happy here -
2020-04-05
How Covid-19 Broke Apart and Reassembled My Life: My Mental Health During the Covid-19 Pandemic
The Coronavirus is not a one person issue. Everyone has had to deal with it and no one has been unaffected. I would like to recount for the archive my personal struggles during this pandemic so that they may be used for research purposes in dealing with something like this in the future. Before the pandemic started, I was a senior in high school. I had just asked my girlfriend to prom, which was just a few months away, and I had a 4.5 gpa for my senior year compared to my 3.5 for the rest of high school. I was excited to run spring track and try to break 5 minutes in the mile for the first time in high school. I hung out nearly everyday with my best friends. I had just committed to Suffolk University and was excited for the future. I didn’t really realize how bad Covid-19 was going to be until what would be our last day of school. It was a thursday, and all of us thought it would be a quick two week break to get rid of the virus and we would all be back. Obviously, that was not the case. I am a pretty social person, so when the lockdown was announced a week later, I really struggled with staying inside. Even with facetime, xbox live chat, and texting, I was not able to get enough social interaction. I felt extremely lonely. Spring sports were obviously also cancelled. This was just the first domino to fall in a long list of unfortunate events for me that, no doubt, many others experienced as well. A few weeks into lockdown, my girlfriend called me in tears telling me that her blood condition, which affects her nerve endings in almost her entire body, had gotten much more severe. Even worse, Covid-19 was making it harder to go to the hospital for the treatments. For her health, we had to break up, and I have not talked to or heard from her since. My older brother had also moved home from college at this point from UMass Amherst. While my younger brother and I have always done well in school and been well behaved kids, the same could not be said for my older brother. An avid weed smoker and oftentimes alcohol abuser, I had to share a room with him for all of quarantine, and continue to do so now. He experienced a lot less rules and a lot more freedom while in college, and did not transition well back to the stricter rules of our household, and often took this out on me. While he did not physically harm me, as I am much stronger than him, he continued to throw flurries of insults and mental abuse at me, ruining my every day. He also did this to the rest of my family, making it hell for everyone at home. At one point, my mother kicked him out, and he had to live with his boyfriend for a while. My mother also did not deal well with staying inside. She has struggled with her weight almost her entire adult life, and the closing of gyms during Covid-19 made her lose all motivation to stay in shape. She gained almost 100 pounds back in 2 months. My older brother coming home also caused her mounds of stress. Since my younger brother hid in his own locked room, and my older brother screamed or stormed out when my mom got mad at us, she took out all of her frustrations on me for the smallest things, taking away the devices I used to contact all my friends just because I had forgotten to put my shoes away or do the dishes. My father and my younger brother both dealt much better with the situation, but that did not save me from the rest of my family. After missing school and all my friends, getting my spring sport cancelled, losing my girlfriend, my brother and mother constantly berating and harassing me, and having nowhere to go but my shared room with no privacy, I began to free fall into a major case of depression and suicidal thoughts. Prior to this pandemic, I had never spoken with a therapist. I used to get bullied in elementary and middle school, but I always had ways of coping such as sports, hanging out with friends, and focusing on school, but now I had a real problem on my hands. After about 4 weeks of struggling inside of my own head, I finally realized I needed professional help. My parents set me up with a woman named Rachel via Zoom, and I talk to her every thursday. She is a licensed therapist, and is part of the new wave of technological medical care in this time of a pandemic. While she has not solved my problems, both the easing of restrictions and her mental guidance has helped me to cope with my situation. I am very grateful for her, and although I am not fully back to where I was before the pandemic, I am continuing to recover to this day. I leave to move in at Suffolk in 5 days, and I could not be more excited for the change of scenery, new friends, and a chance to continue my sport into college. The pandemic has been hard on everyone, and I am sure that I am not alone in my struggles. I wrote this so that people can look back in the future to realize just how devastating an impact can have on one individual’s life if not handled properly, because Covid-19 genuinely rocked my world. -
2020-08-10
Children in a pandemic
Children and the pandemic. My four year old daughter does not understand what a pandemic is. She repeats that she cannot go outside or to school or to the park because of "the coronavirus". Her and her siblings, along with children all over the world, have been greatly impacted by this pandemic with no understanding of the ramifications of it's spread. Children have been sent home, isolated, many removed from space places like schools or after care programs. They have lost friendships and socialization. They have lost structure. Some have lost family members. Parents out of work have cost their family food or housing. Adults struggling to cope with their own depression and anxiety has increased children's as well. For me personally all seven of my children have been affected. My son was forced to move home from college and fell into a deep depression. My oldest daughter never walked across a graduation stage or finished her senior year. My fifteen year old with autism lost support services from school. My thirteen year old lost sports and his friendships. My ten year old with epilepsy had medical testing pushed back and then had hospitalizations with only one parent allowed, even had to be taken by paramedics alone to the hospital once. My seven year old with ADHD lost all class structure and intervention programs to help him and his anxiety and panic attacks have grown more severe. And my four year old, pictured above, lost her classroom and her joy from attending preschool daily. The new round of "return to school" virtually is brought with more anxiety and worry that the kids are not alright. The picture above showcases the innocence of a child wanting to explore the world, trapped inside and the slight sadness that this may be for the long haul. -
2020-04-15
Plague Journal, Day 33: Fighting depression
I'm keeping a Covid-19 journal. Here's the latest entry, in which depression gets the better of me: -
2020-04
Tweets from Inside a Prison 4/19-4/25/2020 by Railroaded Underground
These images follow the Tweets of an incarcerated person from April 19th through April 25th, 2020. In them they discuss their feelings of anger and depression, worries about mental health from being in lockdown 23 hours per day, overcrowding, begins defenseless, politics, elections, self medicating, like others on prison wine called "pruno", how they are not supposed to wear masks at all times but the guards are not, and that though it was declared by prison authorities would not transfer inmates due to concerns over spreading covid that has not been the reality. -
2020-04
Tweets from Inside a Prison 4/5-4/11/2020 by Railroaded Underground
These images show Tweets from a prison inmate using a contraband cell phone for the week of April 5th through April 11th, 20202. He talks about waiting in a cage for covid to get him, the poor are the ones imprisoned and now they are at higher risk of getting covid, he sees depression and hope, talks about how old the facility is and the black mold he can see growing outside his cell. -
2020-06-16
Quarantine's Progression
This tweet encapsulates the mindsets of many people from the beginning of quarantine in March to the present day. I would describe the first stage as optimism/depression as the full reality of being stuck inside set it. Then came the phase of trying to learn productive skills or keeping busy; for many that meant taking up baking or cooking. Most recently, as restrictions have been eased people have poured into the streets to protest racial injustice. This item was added TAGS v6.1.9.1. I originally searched under the hashtag #coronavirus. Within that search, I have chosen to add the following tweet because it describes the emotional states that people have progressed through as quarantine has dragged on. -
2020-04-07
COVID-19 College Kid Starter Pack
Very relatable meme. As a fellow college student, I have just been sitting around my house in pajamas. I have been eating a ton of popcorn and ramen. I drink alcohol with my roommate to try and avoid boredom. I find the news so overwhelming, scary and depressing so I've hidden the news app and Twitter on my phone so I'm not tempted to look at those and make myself feel worse. I stream shows and use social media to distract myself. The meme also shows the experience of a group that was hit very hard; the college students. As a senior, I had so much taken from me and I am being forced to move home instead of pursuing my post-grad plans. Me and my friends got no closure for college and didn't get to say goodbye to each other. We didn't get graduation, or many of the senior sendoff plans that many of us had in our campus organizations. The students in years below me have to worry about school being online next year and housing problems/work issues that might accompany that. -
2020-05-29
Humorous Schedule in Quarantine
At first, people in quarantine didn't know what to do with themselves. This is one person's humorous schedule of his or her day. It shows the boredom and emotional toll of being isolated. -
2020-05-25
Emotional Toll
I work at a prominent community college in California. When we first started hearing about the virus we took precautions right away in the office. First those employees over 65 were sent home to work remotely, because they were identified early on as being a risk group. Then we decided as a college to take all of the on ground classes and convert them to online for the remainder of the spring semester. Shortly after that, most all of the faculty and students were sent home to shelter in place. Those remaining were the lab classes in the industrial arts area and some CTE programs. Staff remained on campus and weeks went by as we continued to operate the college. Slowly staff were asked to work remotely from home, taking their work home with them. Division Offices remained open, as did the IT and Facility areas. The community continued to walk in the door with concerns and questions. Some of us felt we were at risk of infection, because no one really knew much about the virus at this point. I personally felt the effects of stress building. We were asked if we would like to begin working from home in mid-March by our supervisor, but there still wasn’t a directive from the District, so I was concerned. I took work home and my plants, not knowing if and when I would return, because of my age; almost 62. I worked remotely for seven days and then over the next weekend I became incapacitated, due to stress not only regarding the virus, family dynamics, elder care and stress of trying to do my work from a makeshift home office. I was out of the office for nine weeks, while my doctors prescribed slow acting medicines. I came out of my depressed state and now there are still so many things we don’t know about the virus. Besides the toll on me physically and emotionally I also saw a huge chunk of my retirement disappear, as the stock market tumbled. $40K lost out of one account alone. At my age I’ll likely never recover. I expect there will be fallout in other areas as well. While we were all wondering where we could go to buy toilet paper and disinfectant wipes, airlines were parking their planes, car rentals were parking their fleets and the housing market became a whole new game. Where will this all end up is anyone’s guess. What it has done is, the virus has been the great equalizer. Were all in this together. It knows no boundaries except that seniors appear to be the hardest hit group and are accounting for the largest percentage of deaths. On a personal note, I have not been able to meet my new grandson who was born on Mother’s Day because of Covid risk concerns my daughter has and I have to respect that and meet him over the Internet. My own Mom is 81 and will no longer accept a hug from me. It’s just sad. Dianne Nau -
2020-05-13
Finding hope in a pandemic
A personal account of the pandemic. -
2020-04-26
The Awakening
The awakening of the collective; mind, body, soul and the beginning of the end of industrial society - a New World Order I was living and working casually at a children's outdoor education centre one day I was sitting on my sofa the next I was on the street. Week 1 - all casuals laid off Week 2 - All full-time staff cut back to half hours Week 3 - all staff living on centre given eviction within 72 hours Week 4 - homelessness and couch surfing Week 5 - Self Isolation & Family Week 6 - Family Feuds & Domestic Violence Week 7 - A run in with Police whilst living out of my Car Week 8 - My own place new beginnings Although life has thrown many curveballs I struggle with mental illness and addiction - now the world knows how it is to feel in social isolation - depressed, alone, unmotivated, unwanted, uninspired and ironically for those of us who have lived with mental illness our entire lives are no longer alone in our suffering. I shaved my head to symbolise being reborn into a new world order - one of hope, health, compassion and understanding with the soul & spirit being central to our livelihood. -
2020-04-26
The disappointing year
Hi, my name is Anastasiia. Today is the 46th day of quarantine, which has been introduced by Ukraine due to the world coronavirus pandemic. Self-isolation means restriction or even exception of social contacts to pause the virus spread. To my opinion, these precautions are logical, because humanity has no vaccine, and we will not have it at an early date. But, I need to say, that quarantine is just formality in my country. People go out to walk and drink alcohol in the yards, they throng in hypermarkets, they even make B-B-Q in parks. I’ve heard, that even some restaurants receive rich guests. Ok, we understand, that there is no quarantine for oligarchs and their escort. BUT, EASTER, APRIL 19! IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME. About 130 000 of believers rushed to churches and temples to lick pope’s hands and get some “saint water”. Bravo, guys. This entailed an extension of quarantine until May 11. And something tells me, this is not the end. Everybody understands that world wasn’t ready for this shitty disaster. Ukraine’s economy is beggar, so am I. I’ve worked about 6 years in the food service industry. And I realize, quarantine hit all of spheres of life, but restaurants/cafes/cinemas/shops/beauty salons suffer the most of all. So yeah, I’m 24 and I’m unemployed. Of course, there are a lot of vacancies on the remote, but, to be honest, I don’t wanna to masturbate on the camera or sale rubbish that nobody needs. My subjective opinion is this home imprisonment is a kind of free time to overestimate priorities. I’ll explain. As for me, I always chased money. I could work in two different cafes without weekends. I worked abroad hard for money only, and so on. AND NOW I HAVE NO JOB! I AM USELESS. I HAVE NO MONEY. I WILL DIE! No wonder I got depressed. I needed about 3 weeks, a couple of sessions with my psychotherapist and psychiatrist to understand what should I do to stay afloat. I must make great efforts to shift focus from money to spiritual values. It turns out I have friends. It turns out I can embroider, cycle a fixed-gear, cook delicious dishes. Shit, even my acne disappeared. I’m imprisoned with my boyfriend in the one-room apartment we’ve recently rented. AND GOD I HATE EVERY MILIMETER OF THIS FUCKING SMALL FLAT! Every your day is like Groundhog Day (like in the movie). Huh, smth about my boyfriend. The first self-isolation month was very hard. We argued every fucking day. Even if I have warm and bright feelings to this awesome guy, sometimes I just wanted TO KILL HIM WHY HE DIDN’T WASH THE DISHES OR WHY DIDN’T HE READ MY MIND TO UNDERSTAND THAT I WANT THE CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM, NOT THE STRAWBERRY ONE!!! Do you understand? Yeah, I was really scared when he took his bike and ran away from me in the midst of our quarrel. In two days he came back, of course. But now I really realize when I should shut the fuck up. I know, there’re a lot of couples, who break up or get divorced in this period of quarantine. But yeah, we’re lucky with each other. We’re just trying to find a compromise. Now I’m not scared of virus. I’m afraid to stay unemployed and to starve to death. Oh yeah, I’ll die on the street, because we will be kicked out of the apartment for non-payment. Millions of Ukrainians are scared. By the way, about the work. I’ve decided to start the QA-engineering career, so I have to study during all the day. BUT, my laziness and anxious brain blocks every attempts to remember smth new, and I feel guilty. Multiply this guilt by the success cult we hear from every iron about – HELLO DEPRESSION !!! We all are tired and scared. All this is wrong. The world will not stay the same. Only those who can adapt to the quick changes will survive. So now I need to receive am I that adaptable person. -
2020-04-18
Diary in the Time of Corona
I woke up this morning and decided to write. Why today? What’s different about today than yesterday, or the day before? I have no answers to these questions. It’s Day 25 of the quarantine. The sky is dull gray and it’s raining, my windows streaked with wet wavy lines that make them look like etched glass. Today is not so different from yesterday, except yesterday it wasn’t raining. And yesterday we went to the supermarket. That place fills me with terror. The aisles are not wide enough to keep the required six feet social distance. In the produce section it’s inevitable that two or more people will end up inspecting the bananas or the lettuce at the same time. When that happens we move apart as far as we can but we don’t walk away, as if the lettuce or the bananas or whatever are a territory we refuse to surrender. We do avert our eyes, ashamed to look our adversaries in the face. Upstairs in my bedroom I hear the rain against the roof, a soft, steady patter. The marsh is enveloped in a fine mist with ochre and green grasses and a few trees yielding small mauve flowers. I’m waiting for phone calls from the dead: my father, who passed away nineteen years ago and my mother, who passed away three years ago. Why do we want what we cannot have? Or is this the nature of grief, that after the sharp stabbing pains of loss a knot of slow sadness begins to form and 2 wind itself around our hearts, once in a while tugging so hard we’re reminded sharply once again of those who are gone? Maybe that’s what writing is for: not the documentation of what we have but the recovery of what we’ve lost. I’m reading a book by Lydia Davis called The End of the Story. It’s a novel about a woman writing a novel about a brief but intense love affair that ended thirteen years earlier. She can’t finish the novel because she can’t find the right way to end it, or so she says. But we know she can’t finish the novel because finishing it will end her connection to her lost lover, and she doesn’t want to experience such pain and grief all over again. The rain has stopped and the sky has shifted to a softer gray. The yellow and dark greens of the leaves are startling and bright in the thin light. Lydia Davis is a descriptive writer. She paints vivid pictures of the natural world: sound of ocean waves, piquant scent of eucalyptus, aggressive jade plants. But in her obsessions and delusions and isolation from friends she is not the best companion for me right now. ** Day 26. I am a witness to the pandemic. Everyone is a witness. But I’m not risking my life like the nurses and doctors and other workers on the front lines. I feel like a coward. 3 Today is sunny, with a cloudless sky of soft, washed blue. When you are quarantined weather becomes very important, like a prophecy or a sign of progress, or stagnation. On fine days I could go outside for a walk but usually I don’t want to. On the days I’ve gone for walks there’s an unspoken tug-of-war on the sidewalk when others approach: who will be first to step out of the way. My husband and I are always first to move. We agree we tend to give a wide berth earlier than necessary. Still, each time we veer into the street so walkers can pass I feel we’ve offered a consideration that was not reciprocated. This gives me a feeling of victimization that makes me even more irritable than I already am. On a recent walk I couldn’t help noticing that everything in my neighborhood reminded me of the virus. Small shrubs with crimson buds. A mask in the middle of the asphalt, awaiting asphyxiation. Street signs that say Dead End. I never realized there were so many dead ends where I live. When I’m overcome with anxiousness I prepare a meal. Before the time of corona I was a reluctant cook, and we often ate dinners at the local trattoria. But of course that’s no longer possible. I don’t have the patience or creativity to be a decent home cook. But now I find comfort in assembling a dish or two. I experience a sense of accomplishment in completing what feels like a meaningful activity. Food is no longer readily or easily available. If I’m missing an ingredient I won’t run to the supermarket wearing with my mask and disposable gloves. With every trip to the market comes the risk of 4 additional exposure. Grocery shopping demands enormous amounts of energy. So I try to plan ahead, which isn’t easy when you’re anxious all the time. Today’s side dish is quinoa tabbouleh with scallions, tomatoes, feta, and fresh lemon. Even writing the word “fresh” refreshes my depleted spirits. Before preparing the tabbouleh I looked out the window, my gateway, my connection to the world outside my home. My attention was drawn to a single orange-breasted robin stepping across the grass. I watched for a while, since now I have time for such contemplative activity. The robin began to peck at the ground, circling and wandering, circling and pecking. I had the idea he was searching for food and not finding any. I turned away. Things I never noticed before. The whiskered tips on the scallions, like a man’s white-gray beard. The amount of plastic and paper towels I waste even though I claim to be pro-environment. I think of my mother growing up during the Great Depression with barely enough food and not enough money. I have coats in the closet, sweaters in the drawers, a stocked refrigerator. Was I really so clueless and ungrateful? ** Day 27. Be mindful, stay in the present. I am trying to be present but the news on the morning radio announced 40,000 Americans are dead from the virus. How is this possible? The future has become our dystopian present. 5 Last night we visited with our kids on Zoom. Such interactions are one of the challenges of this particular moment, the physical separation from loved ones. These meetings in cyberspace reinforce the sense of enforced isolation: my adult children isolated in their homes within an hour or so of mine. I miss them. They might as well be living on the moon. I’ve heard stories of doctors and nurses sleeping in their garages so as not expose their families. This is worse than my experience, much worse, because their lives are in imminent danger. Nonetheless, their experience does not erase the pain I feel as a mother and new grandmother who can’t touch or hug my children. In my home state of New Jersey, 40 percent of more than 4,200 coronavirus deaths have been linked to long-term care facilities. My mother was a dementia patient in one such facility for six years. I thank heaven I do not have to worry about the virus killing my mother in a nursing home. The past seeps into the present. The present is the future, for the time-being. I’m reminded of the words of T.S. Eliot: “Time present and time past/ are both perhaps present in time future/ And time future contained in time past.” Perhaps our sense of separation between past, present, and future was always illusory. My brother contracted the virus a few weeks ago and was ill with a fever that spiked as high as 102.8. Mercifully he is recovering well. Past, present, and future, they are merged into the nightmare of the virus. I just read about a 25-year-old woman, a Latino grad student studying marriage and family therapy, who died of complications from the virus which she 6 likely contracted while working at a clinic for Latinos in one of the corona hotspots in Queens. I am overcome. I can’t write anymore. -
2020-04-20
Blindsided Change
Everything is different now. Who would have imagined? If I or anyone I know was told in the fall of 2019 that in the start of year 2020 there would be a world pandemic that placed most of the world on lockdown, we most likely would have laughed or scoffed. We would have thought it impossible. And yet it happened. And it happened quickly, dawning a new decade with an event that will most likely damage societies. What a way to start a decade. Here is to 2020. May the middle and the end be more fortuitous than it’s destructive beginning. Everyone is in quarantine within their homes in hopes of preventing the spread of the new corona virus. A subtle virus that nobody would have expected to cause a worldwide emergency. After all, there are many diseases and viruses that appear to be worse than Covid-19 such as SARS. However that’s the danger, it is so subtle and contagious, it spread from China to the United States of America in a number of weeks. There is an estimated 800,000 confirmed cases of the virus with the States. Who knows if that number is accurate. It may be larger. It may be smaller. The world has changed in a matter of weeks. People rarely go out to areas where they are likely to encounter other people. If they do dare to venture outside, it is often with a face mask, disposable gloves, and hand sanitizer. Business has never been better for Amazon as people flock to their website in order to avoid having to go to the grocery store. Netflix is probably being used more now than anytime before. Schools have shut down and transferred online, many using Zoom as their platform of communication. Most people are stocking up on supplies. My father went to the gun store and said he had never seen the place busier. Toilet paper has become a valuable commodity. There have been more people on walks in my neighborhood than ever. All trying to escape the boredom and the feeling of wasting from remaining still. My sister and I have been placed on quarantine about two weeks before everyone else. I don’t believe I have had a physical interaction that was not digital with another person besides my family in 2 or 3 months. The only place that I have been to besides my house is the National Forest in Flagstaff, Arizona where I am allowed to go for hikes for miles. It is beautifully refreshing in comparison to the same color of wall wherever you turn. I’m allowed to take my truck out for a drive as long as the only destination is my house. I like to drive with the windows down on the highway and be reminded of the movement of nature that is absent in my daily circumstance. It is interesting how affected people become by fear and paranoia. I was driving through the neighborhood when I saw a couple walking. I waved as any friendly person would. The couple glared at me as if I was a threat. As if I would somehow give them the virus while contained in my car on the other side of the street. I found this behavior odd. But then this odd behavior occurred on several other occasions during my drives. I fear what this virus will do to our country. It has already changed our daily lives. I would hate for the coronavirus to turn America into a country where friendliness is unwelcome. -
2020-04-20
Quarantine Discoveries
The first few weeks in quarantine, like for many, were pretty difficult for me. I would have good days and bad days. I would go through waves of sadness here and there and get depressed thinking of all the things I was unable to do or accomplish, and all the opportunities I had missed and would seemingly never get back. This was supposed to be the time of internships, widening my professional network, shadowing professionals, and preparing for my professional future. How was I supposed to prepare for my impending future trapped inside my home wearing pajamas all day? I felt like the whole world was put on pause, but my life was still passing me by. After two weeks of self-pity and baking an extensive amount of bread (stress baking anyone?), I realized I was in desperate need of a new perspective. How can I benefit from this situation? What can I do with this time to prepare for my future that I wouldn't have the opportunity to do otherwise? I had a quarantine awakening. I decided that this time at home would not go wasted. I put together goals for the year 2020 that I could achieve from the comfort of my home. I realized that there was, in fact, a lot I could do to prepare for my future that didn't involve other people. I began to research online workshops that I could complete and add to my resume, I began reading articles and books that related to my career that I never had the time to read, and I set aside time to practice the things I used to love, like photoshop and web design. I gave myself the opportunity to self reflect and really dissect the life choices that had brought me to this point in my life, and decide if the path I was on was still the one I wanted to pursue. My time in quarantine has helped me realize that the best way I could help my future self was not by networking or interning for a big company in the city, but was by focusing on me. I needed time away from the productive life the world told me I was supposed to be living to decide if all that productivity was really taking me where I wanted to go in the first place. Where do I want to go? Finding out what I like, what I don’t like, figuring out what my skills are and focusing on how to apply them, deciding what kind of future I wanted and setting goals to get there were all things I’d sidelined before the quarantine. I realized how lucky I was to have this time to be allowed to focus on me. Quarantine has gifted me with a new perspective on life and has shown me how capable I truly am. -
2020-04-03
Effect on Me and my Family
Effect on Me and my Family -
2020-04-02
Mental Health & COVID-19
Focusing on the importance of mental health during quarantine.