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2020-04-22
Earth Day April 22, 2020 during Covid
An account of my Earth Day -
2020-05-23
Questions without answers
It feels selfish to start off this writing with the word “I”. Usually I am able to separate from the world’s sorrow and live within myself. But there is so much all the time. How much of my life right now should be considered a joke? Am I allowed to think of myself? The number of people dying in this country and at the rate that they are dying are statistics that I find I cannot comprehend. Usually I do well with things that are broken into numbers. Percentages and facts I can lay out in front of me and apply to a population. But this amount of death, from the unseen antagonist, is brutal. It is painful. I don’t allow myself to think of all of the people who have died, or their families, or friends, because I think that I would not move for a very long time. I don’t like to think of my friends who are working in hospitals. I wonder if they’re scared, and then I am scared for them. Each day I read the newspaper and look for some hope. Is it sad that hope relies on less people dying? And yet there are still deaths? Thank goodness, I think, that just 300 people have died instead of last week’s 700. Are we built to handle these numbers? I don’t know what to do. My mom is immunocompromised. It feels dangerous to leave the house for more than a grocery run. Am I selfish to see my friends? How long will this last? And how can I be thinking of myself when so many people are dying everyday, and risking their lives, and dying from this risk? I read an article recently that said something like “how can we ask those to stay home for society when they are the ones that society has forgotten?” How do I help these people? Why am I scared to look for ways to help? My mom told me to look for part-time jobs recently. She only asked one time, in a sort of forceful way, and I assured her that I would. But I can’t. I can’t bring that to our house. How do I not feel grief all the time? My friends and I social-distance from each other. And we laugh, and we talk, and we drink and just be together. It is a small relief. But am I allowed this relief? Why do I get to have these things when others can’t? Who am I to sit in this room, and type on this computer, and not have overwhelming fear for my life, not only of getting sick but of feeding my family? Sometimes I’ll be laying in bed, and I’ll just feel an ache between my ribcage. I know it is my anxiety. I haven’t had an attack for a while, but I know where it lives, and I can’t say that it is sleeping right now. Every once in a while it wakes, and locks its self onto my ribs, and pulls them taut, not enough for me to start breathing heavily, but just enough so I know that it’s there. Sometimes I’ll feel like crying. Sometimes I am so happy, usually when I’m with my family, that something wells in my chest and I feel as if I’m going to burst. I am so grateful and thankful for our health and our safety. I am privileged to the nth degree. Other times I feel like crying because I forget what is happening in the outside world, and then I remember. It feels like I am a pencil that has been dulled from overuse, from ignoring and not feeling everything that is happening everywhere. And then something happens, and I read an article or watch a video or picture someone’s family, and the pencil is sharp, and the writing is fresh, and it burns on the way down. I feel like crying too when I am frustrated. I am frustrated with how my life is being lived right now. My mom told me that she is okay 99% of the time. But that 1%, when she realizes that my brother and I’s lives have been put on hold, she freaks out. My parents have always asked me what I plan on doing with my life, what my next steps are, where am I going. Those questions fall flat for me now. How can I plan for this life? Where should my next steps take me? Has my path changed for where I am going? And how do I deserve to feel like this? Am I allowed to feel frustrated with what is happening to me? I cried recently watching an episode of Avatar. The main character was so angry and sad and frustrated, that he went into himself, and almost caused mass destruction. His friend waited, and looked sad, and slowly grabbed him. He fell into her arms and started crying for what he lost. I started crying too. How much have I lost that I don’t realize? Nobody is grabbing me, and pulling me down, and holding me. Can I expect that from others who are going through the same things? How much can I expect from the people in my life during this shared experience? How do we support each other? Every discussion I have with my friends, and my family, anywhere these conversations take place, always feel to me to be tinged with a sense of un-reality. None of us are supposed to be here. The plans that we are making together should not exist. The happiness that I draw from these interactions is true, and a relief, and a much-need salve. But how long can these things last? The need for normalcy and the need to acknowledge the tremendous amount of death are at such odds with each other. And my guilt is overwhelming. For not doing anything now, but also for the times before the pandemic when death and inequality were still happening and I was still doing nothing. How do I reconcile the image I have of myself with my actions? How can I claim to care so much about what’s happening now, when I have done nothing in the past? I left Kingston on March 18th. I have discovered that I usually do well in emergencies. When my parents called me at 10 p.m. on March 17th, and told me that I needed to be packed for noon the next day, I told my housemate what I needed to do and did it. At first I felt some relief. I had been so nervous about my family for about a week, and I was so far from them. I thought often about an interview question I had had during the first week of March. They asked me what I would do if there was a zombie apocalypse. What I told them, and what the first thing that came to mind was, that I would try to get back to my family as soon as possible. This isn’t a zombie apocalypse, but that anxiety and urgency were still there. Get across the border before it closes. Leave your friends and work behind. Say goodbyes swiftly. Make it easier for yourself. March 17th is St. Patrick’s Day. My housemate and I had watched the first two of the original Star Wars movies. A friend had come by to pick-up a stereo. On the chalkboard door to my housemate’s bedroom we had listed the things we were going to do during the short quarantine we believed we were under. Smoke weed. Star Wars movie marathon. Play cards. I guess my housemate wiped it off after I left. It didn’t take long for me to pack up all my stuff because I didn’t plan on being in Kingston for longer than three months. I went to bed afterwards. I thought back to the way that I felt when I witnessed a car crash one day in high school. My best friend was driving us. I think I slept three-hours the night before because of an assignment. A car coming out from a stop sign slipped on the ice and T-boned the left-turning car. I started crying immediately; my friend told me to call 9-1-1 and got out of the car to check on the drivers. When I called, I couldn’t tell them where we were, or what street we were on, even though we were a few blocks from my house. After we got to school I went to the nurse’s office and cried. I never wanted to feel like that again. The day after I packed my things two of my best friends came over to take what alcohol and food I had left. It was embarrassing what I had stocked up for when I thought I was staying for longer. I was angry at myself for spending the money, and angry at my friends for taking it from me. I was mad that they got to stay, and sad that I had to leave them, and anxious to get home as soon as possible. They arrived at my house a few hours before my dad came, and I was angry at them as soon as they walked into the house. I wanted them to leave so that I could check the box off my to-do list. Saying goodbye to friends. I needed them gone because their presence in my house, such an anomaly on a Wednesday morning, just emphasized the irregularity of our lives. I barely spoke to them and hugged them goodbye much earlier than they anticipated. I didn’t care if I had hurt them because I was hurting all over, aching, needing them to be gone. As soon as they left I cried. I started sobbing, huge, heaving, wracking sobs, that betrayed me to myself. My housemate sat by silently and handed me a box of tissues. It was so much easier for her to see me like this than the others. She and I were friends, and had spent so much time together, but she didn’t know me eight weeks earlier. While I cried I told her how scared I was that I was a carrier and was going to infect my mom, and how much I wanted to get home despite it. I cried for the anxiety that I was feeling towards everyone and everything, like if someone touched me I would probably crumble. Another friend stopped by and I steeled myself to her too. I loved these people but their presence at my door meant my reality was true. The weather on the drive home with my dad was beautiful. One of the things that this pandemic has made me realize is that for all the things that humans pride themselves on controlling, the weather is something insurmountable. We are at its mercy, and although hundreds of thousands of people have died from this virus, the weather will never reflect our mood. If anything, this is a blessing, a reminder that ultimately life does not stop, that the rain does not pour because we are feeling sad, and the sun does not shine because we need the flowers to grow. We can take stock in its presence, and breathe these coincidences as if they were meant for us, and it can bring us joy, and hope, and sadness. But the weather will keep on changing, and so will we. Two days after coming home, my dad and I flew down to South Carolina to drive my brother and his friend home. I have recently started having trouble with flying. I have flown all the time for a large part of my life, to many different countries around the world. But at some point a flight changed from a break in travel to a long-block in a journey from getting one place to another. I have started to feel an anxiety in the pit of my stomach, a different feeling than my normal one, probably something that I’d classify as dread. I am now tempted to sleep through the flights, and just go from one place to another without the excruciating in-between, without acknowledging the clouds and the large oceans and plots of land that they cover. Our flight to South Carolina reminded me of these feelings. These feelings kind of remind me of the present too. I open the paper and read the news everyday, with a sense of “Are we there yet?” But where is there? And who is we? And should yet, implying a closeness that is just out of reach, be in our vocabulary? The drive back from South Carolina to Connecticut was filled with more urgency than I anticipated. My brother and his friend did not need to be dragged out of bed at eight o’clock in the morning. The drive-thru fried breakfast food was compulsory but felt like an exception to some unnamed rule of not stopping except for necessities. My dad and I drove together, and listened to podcasts, and looked out the window, but it was rimmed with the kind of dread that I felt on the airplane. If we didn’t get home fast enough, would we ever make it? When I was driving into Connecticut, and my dad was half-asleep in the passenger seat, he told me how glad my mom will be when we are all home together. I told him I was happy, but nervous about being an unknown carrier of the virus. He got angry, saying that he was trying to unload his stress by talking with me. When we got home it was great, and we are together again, but it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. I am struggling every day with some cognitive dissonance. I care so much about the world, and the people in it, but how can I say these things without working the same amount to ensure their own safety and happiness? But at the same time, how can I think about putting my family at risk by going further into the world? Where is my place right now? Who am I meant to be during this time? And still, the weather will keep changing, and tomorrow it may rain, or it will be sunny, and I’ll have no say in it. -
04/20/2020
Week 3 of quarantine
April 20, 2020 Day 15 That day I could not sleep, I was trying to sleep but every time I closed my eyes I just wanted to open them up again, so I started to watch The Office and then I realized that it was time to get ready for class. To be honest I was getting tire during class but I knew I had to be awake and the weird part was that when the class end I could not sleep. My friends were sending me messages about going out to eat since its been weeks when we last saw each other but they were not saying yes or no because we would get off track from the conservation. So I decided to sleep and I set my alarm around 3 PM then the next thing I had about 20 missed calls from them and it was 4 PM then started to get ready, it was funny. We went to eat Cane’s and just hanging out. I went back home and I ended my day with doing homework. -
2020-05-13
Finding hope in a pandemic
A personal account of the pandemic. -
2020-05-10
Ordering tacos during COVID19 pandemic.
Typically I visit this taco shop with my friends after skateboarding at a nearby skate park. Now, after skateboarding by myself, I stop by Taco Nazo, alone, to find a very organized system of delivering food to customers. The bustling atmosphere of the restaurant has been replaced by gentle reminders to wear a mask (even though I am in my car—I’m fine with this!) and orderly direction where to park to await my order. While the aromas, textures, and flavors of food are still comforting, the companionship, laughter, stories, and closeness to friends makes once banal gatherings seem distant, even impossible. New rituals of eating have emerged. What was once a ritual of culinary communion is now one of reflection and solitude. -
2020-04-28
New Orleans Musicians Perform A Socially Distanced Funeral Song, New Orleans LA
From NPR: "Relative to other states, Louisiana experienced an early spike in COVID-19 cases and on March 16, the city of New Orleans issued social distancing guidelines that advised against gatherings of more than 10 people. That included funerals. When a few names on the deceased list hit close to home, Brass-a-Holics bandleader Winston "Trombone" Turner felt they needed to be honored like they would have been, ordinarily — with music. So, in a moment when so many are offering what they can for the common good, Turner picked up his horn and called a few friends to record a performance of "I'll Fly Away" in City Park. It's a song played at almost every traditional New Orleans funeral that allows the congregation to celebrate the passing of a soul from one life to the next." -
2020-03-16
Day Trip to Sedona before Quarantine
My friends and I took a trip to Sedona for the day in order to celebrate senior year before the lockdowns and stay at home orders were issued #cshsecon -
2020-03-16
Sedona Day Trip before Quarantine
My friends and I took a day trip to Sedona before all lock downs and stay in place orders were set in place -
2020-04-29
My Personal Entry
It has been three weeks now since I've been home from school. Three weeks since my friends, girlfriend, dorm room, and the rest of my sophomore year was stripped from me. Before it happened we prayed that it wouldn’t. That we’d be able to finish our school year out. That after we left for spring break we’d be able to see each other again. Now instead of wishing my senior friends, and girlfriend, goodbye with hugs and a wave as they cross the stage at commencement, the best I could do was a “good luck” post on social media. We are all doing our best to stay strong during this hard time. However, it’s okay to be sad. Just because collectively bad things are happening to everyone, doesn’t make you or I selfish for being sad about our own personal troubles. I’ve had too many friends so far start to slip and breakdown because they ignore their feelings of loss and sadness. Here is the last photo I took with my girlfriend before the quarantine. We’ve been together for six months. I don’t know when I’ll see her again. -
2020-03-22
Maintaining Friendships at Home
During the Coronavirus pandemic crisis over the last few months, it has been very hard to keep in touch with friends and extended family. Because we are all stuck inside, and there aren’t many ways to reach out to people, it has been very hard for me to feel connected to my social circle. Luckily, my closest friends and I stay connected by calling each other on FaceTime at least once a week, and this image was captured during one of those facetime calls. I love my friends like they are family, and these weekly calls are what are helping me get through these lonely and monotonous times. My everyday life has been reduced to home workouts, schoolwork, and television. Working out at home and by myself often leaves me feeling discouraged, but I have been using this problem of mine as a way to stay connected with my friends. The girls in my group of friends have all started tracking our workouts and activity levels. We have all been communicating about our progress and occasionally we will also share new workouts with each other. This is really great because it is especially important now that we all keep our health at it’s very best in the case that we do catch the virus. I have realized that some of my friendships rely solely on common classes or certain activities and face to face interaction. Now that I do not have the opportunity to do such things, these friendships have started to fade. It’s hard to know the status of a relationship. Some friendships are strong enough to last through hard times, and some friendships fade when times get tough. Though it feels awful to lose a friend, it is more comforting to realize that maybe they were not great friends if they cannot stay in contact through this pandemic crisis. Although it is tough not being able to see friends and some family, it is important to stay inside and encourage others to do so as well. Going out to eat and going to places surrounded by people is only going to cause the number of cases to rise. Not only does going out put your own health at risk, but it puts the health of everyone you come in contact with at risk. Right now, it is very important to keep in mind that the best way to care for those you love is to stay away from them and stay safe. -
2020-03-30
March 11th, 2020.
A personal account. #REL101 -
2020-04-27
My blog/diary: 04/27/2020
My name is Egor and i write my thoughts and emotions in my blog https://starcatcherrus.tumblr.com every day for more than 6 years. And i want to share some of posts about life in self-isolation. And also i'm working in a city hospital as a radiologist. -
2020-03-15
Family, Friends, Illness, Fear, Frustration, and Joy: A Covid-19 Journal for March-April 2020
My journal covering March-April 2020. It is unedited except for the removal of last names and some other identifying information. I am a retired professional writer/editor, but did not intend this for publication as I was writing it.. -
2020-03-01
My less lonely life thanks to Covid19
How I am less lonely and isolated than before -
2020-04-20
Apr 27 Topic: My Take on This Moment in History 2: Noticing the Small
Description of having birthday parties during the COVID-19 pandemic -
2020-04-26
Allison Cappello
[Curator's Note]: A Personal Account during the Pandemic -
2020-04-25
"A Blessing in Disguise“
I’m a freshman at Arizona State University, which was a big jump since I started off my life in a small town in Ohio. But I was ready for an adventure.College just finally started to get good. I was making some really good friends, enjoying work on campus, and doing well in my studies. And then it hit. COVID-19 hit. My job closed down, my friends moved back home, and school went all online. I was distraught. How could I do this on my own? How will I mentally get through this? But my community built me up. Zoom classes turned into a Zoom get together‘s with my classmates and friends. My teachers were understanding and even more helpful during this time. My coworkers and I grew even stronger bonds through this. At the beginning of this worldwide pandemic I thought to myself “how will I manage”, but now I am here to say we have gotten through the bulk of it and it has not only made me a stronger person but a stronger friend and student. All in all, though I thought this would have been the worst thing that could ever happen I’m here to say I’m more confident my studies, I know I have amazing friends and mentors to back me up, and I know any day now things will go back to normal and we will all be grateful and cherish how lucky we are to have the things that we have and to attend a university as amazing as Arizona State. #REL101 -
2020-04-24
Friday, March 13th
Quarantine personal story -
2020-04-24
Personal Story of Lockdown
As I write this I have no idea as to how long we have been socially isolating. I have not been keeping count of the days. I have been writing a diary of sorts but mainly just ordinary daily events not a 'pandemic' diary. My last physical contact and close encounter with friends was a Saturday afternoon and we made plans to see each other soon. Just two days later it was apparent that we would not see each other for a very long time. Quite suddenly the world was closed. How did I feel when the implications of the lockdown became apparent? At first it was just social isolation and I was sad as I wouldn't be able to see my family and hug them. Then very quickly the closure of libraries was announced – that really hurt as reading books is one of my main pleasures. An actual book that is not an e book on the laptop. Frustratingly I could see a book I had ordered – one that was in the middle of a detective series I was enjoying – through the window on the shelf inside the library tantlisingly close. And it was not available as an e book! But I felt I could just carry on as sort of normal. I would adapt and possibly go through my own library of books on my own shelves. Then they closed the beaches and told us we couldn't drive to a trail to walk. A state of emergency was declared and the borders were closed. The full implications of what we were facing were becoming alarmingly apparent. I worried about my friends and family and their health situations. I worried about my own health as I have a lung disease. I felt almost overwhelming concern for everyone that was facing economic hardship and how people were going to cope. On my own home front my husband and I were facing our own difficult scenario. He was about to start six weeks of daily cancer radiation treatment. At the end of January he had undergone a fourteen hour surgical operation to remove a tumour located in his sinus – and replaced with facial reconstruction. He had his upper jaw bone removed and replaced with a bone taken from his leg and a skin graft taken from his thigh. He was discharged after nine days a remarkable recovery that says much about his determination and courage. Now we had the radiation to face. A daily journey round trip of 130 kilometres. Then they decided to double some of the treatments six hours apart so we had to come home and go back as there was nowhere to wait out the time in town – 260 kilometres round trip in a day. But somehow in all this apparent chaos in the world for us there was a silver lining. Because of the lockdown the roads were relatively empty – car parking at the hospital was easy and free. Gas prices had fallen so the financial burden of all the travelling was eased. My husband did most of these trips for treatment on his own. He enjoyed the freedom of the open road, had the music turned up loud and the heating full on. And I wasn't yacking in his ear! And for me on a very personal level I realised that when the full implications of the lockdown became apparent and I was not going anywhere or doing very much I felt a strange euphoria. I realised that for a very long time I had suffered a sort of anxiety a feeling of stress to always be doing more. I happen to not look my age so when I complained about tiredness my family often instructed me to 'use it or lose it' Grandma! “You are only as old as you feel” has some scientific validation and I never really felt as old as my advancing years but it was often a bit of a struggle. I am a photographer not professional it is a hobby but I sold some of my work at the local farmers market. So I always had personal goals and work to do. The real pleasure was in going out into the countryside and walking the beaches and photographing the landscape and wildlife. Without me giving it a conscious thought when the lockdown became strict my anxiety fell away. It just wasn't there anymore. I didn't need to step up to the mark all I needed to do was stay on my property. I am fortunate that I live on the edge of a tidal inlet so I look over water and the wildlife comes to me! Facing west I enjoy stunning sunsets. I have found myself relishing being able to relax and do stuff as I felt like it. Spacing out the things I wanted to do and taking the time to enjoy even the mundane stuff. My concentration levels changed my sleep times changed. I always resisted an afternoon nap it seemed such an 'elderly' thing to do. Now I was having a lovely nap after lunch and still unbelievably enjoying a long nights sleep. My energy levels changed – they got better! Books and movies I thought I would enjoy I didn't, but I would spend longer just sitting outside watching the waves or the clouds, listening to the birds and watching the squirrels. Catching the moment when an otter swam by or a bald eagle flew past with its catch. Because there wasn't anything else to do with my time I was 'using it not losing it' a completely different concept to the original cosh it was intended to be. If I could step away from the feeling of guilt for what others are suffering I can only say that I am relishing the ease of enjoying my days. This has also been enhanced by the support of dear friends and family who have provided meals and treats when cooking and shopping have been too much of a task. I have never eaten so well. My son, daughter-in-law and two grandchildren have collectively and individually been the source of much comfort to us both. Now we have had the news of the tragic shooting that took place in Nova Scotia last weekend. Everything staggers into jagged shards of grief and dismay. I can find no words to describe the anguish we are feeling for the victims and families of this random rampage of violence. As always in these situations we try to understand why it happened and as always it is locked inside the perpetrators head. In one way or another all Nova Scotians 'know' each other and we are all affected . We will continue to be a kind and compassionate community supporting each other through these incredibly difficult times. I feel I am living in parallel universes. The anxiety of the news of the pandemic and how it is affecting individuals and families in Canada and the world. The trauma of a mass tragedy in Nova Scotia that has a profound affect on so many individuals and families and collectively on all of us. The incredible feeling of love and warmth for my community as I see so many people stepping up to the mark and helping and supporting one another. Watching my beloved husband go through gruelling treatment with so much courage and determination so we can have a future together. And here I am thankful beyond words that I am here in this place at this time. I will not live in fear. I will cherish this time as it is so precious. We mostly live taking the future for granted and now we know we can't. It is fragile and cannot be pinned down only lived fully moment to moment in love and hope. This is what I have found. -
2020-03-22
The Covid Diaries
My experiences of this pandemic -
2020-04-05
This Special Period
2020 is a special year. At the beginning of this year, a new coronavirus appeared in China. The virus quickly spread throughout China. At first, we thought it would be controlled soon, but we did not expect this to happen. As the time for the start of the school approached, the school also issued postponement of the start of school, and could not go out. We just took long classees at the computer. Although it is similar to the class at the school, but I still prefer to go back to class on campus so that I can play with my friends better. I hope this epidemic can pass quickly, come on! -
2020-03-20
Letter to my son’s 4th grade teacher
The greatest hardship for my children in this time is the loneliness of missing their beloved teachers and friends. Writing letters to their teachers helps them feel connected and is good writing practice for their home learning. -
2020-04-01
a screenshot of me and my friends on Facebook messenger
Even with the social-distancing, our group of friends were able to connect and catch-up on hearing about each others lives. We can find a silver-lining in this mess of coronavirus. -
2020-04-02
Late-Night Talks
Ever since the Coronavirus has taken over the country, everyone has been on lockdown in their homes. These past few weeks have turned into a swarm of conference calls, virtual happy hours, and late-night video chats. It has made me miss my friends even more than I thought I would. Don’t get me wrong, it has made me thankful for my family as well. It is hard to not be able to see my friends and peers every day, like what I am used to. One of my friends who lives in Virginia has been feeling a little bit lonely too, so we have been talking every night for a couple nights in a row. We talk about everything under the sun. We talk about religion, different jobs, and what the world will be like after this pandemic is over. We also share our favorite memories from school, reminisce on old memories from previous years, and we talk about whatever is on our mind. Even though we are not together in person, it feels like we are hanging out like we normally would. Talking online is going to be the new normal for teenagers like me, who cannot go out and see friends. Having people to talk to online makes me feel like I am not alone in this crazy world we are living in right now. Everyone else is dealing with the same thing, and we are all in this together. -
2020-03-22
Talking to a friend
Photograph taken as I talked to my friend through her window. I was on a walk and saw the open window as I passed her apartment. I called up to her and we spoke for a little while. She has been self quarantining because a family member (who she saw last week) has Coronavirus. So far, she has not shown any symptoms. -
2020-03-24
22
It has been hard not seeing my friends for my 22 birthday. Over the past 4 years they have become more than my friends; they are my family. I came home for spring break March 4th expecting to come back before the 24th, but then it was extended until 22nd. Earlier this week, the president made all flights out of the New York area a mandatory quarantine for 2 weeks after they land. I do not want to put my roommates in a position where they cannot leave the home to get groceries. So I am waiting until everything dies down before I get to see them.