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2020-04
2020 Planner
This bullet journal, titled "Keep It Together," was created fresh after moving states in January of 2020. January through February are well organized, with the planner I drew out having individual days, and places for grocery lists, to-do lists and monthly goals. Even March keeps the same energy, stretching into the beginning of the pandemic, but April comes with a great shift. What was once a detailed planner has lost any sense of time, becoming an amalgamation of grocery lists for vague weeks, stream-of-consciousness poetry, and abandoned bullet lists of brainstorming what to do with my life...only for the journal to snap back into focus at the end of July, continuing its main function as a planner, what with less frills than before. This mirrors my own experience in 2020, as April-July was the period of time I spent alone, living in a new city, working at a fast food job that did not stop when the rest of the world did. I felt very much like my journal, unmoored and adrift, until a change in job and living situation and deciding to go back to school helped bring me some sense of purpose again. -
2020-10-30
Deciding Not to Fear or Hate Every New Day
It can be hard to fall asleep when you fear or hate tomorrow. Looking back on these past days, weeks, and months, there have been times when it was hard to fall asleep. Still, I’m amazed that most of my “tomorrows” have been exciting, filled with (a few) people I love, and promising something new. to have this. In light of news-worthy narratives, I feel amazingly blessed. That’s not to say I didn’t have to adapt. “You can’t come into work, and I don’t know when you will be able to, and I don’t know when you can be safe, and I…” But it wasn’t me I was worried about as my (former) boss rambled on. I was young. I didn’t have a family to support. In that moment, it didn’t matter that I lost my longed-for position at the archives of my alma mater; my life hadn’t been going as planned for a while. The truth of the matter was that in that moment, I was loved by my house-mates, I had enough food, I had enough in savings. Payments could wait just long enough. And, somehow, it was just enough. I was immediately able to work in part and serve in whole as a nanny and tutor for an essential-worker’s family. With more open time and open space, calls with my Nonni and Zoom calls with other family members let my heart open up the folded, selfish areas that I had lustfully kept to myself. I had to - no, got to - make the rest of my time proactive. Practice French. Take on contracted research. Learn dance choreography, teach salsa lessons virtually, and take a few risky health situations seriously. Every day of this worldwide crisis promises more ways - or perhaps dares me? - to live more richly. Life becomes more about each day and each human, and less about my time and my goals and my inadequacies. UNPOPULAR SENTIMENT: I don’t care about the pandemic, I really don’t. Not personally, at least. In love, I will absolutely wear masks and socially distance and refrain from travelling, but for me, life is meant to be lived in each precious, terminal breath, and I am not promised to be given security, health, love, passion, joy, and peace. It is in this loud silence that has descended on the globe, I’ve been able to love the unloved, serve the neglected, and deepen my empathy for those with whose background is different than mine. My keenest struggle is “home.” In the lessening of physical relationships, a yearning for a home even truer than my space and my people continues to grow in me. A “home” that embraces my soul, where I can work, thrive, and rest. The less I care one-dimensionally about success or failure, and the more I care for people, the keener this desire becomes. I don’t know when that will be fulfilled, but I have hope. Hope enough that I won’t always fear or hate tomorrow that I can’t fall asleep. Although of late, the origins of falling asleep typically lie in chocolate… It’s hard refusing those red-wrapped cocoa velvet symphonies! -
2020-05-31
Why Did I Buy a Planner for 2020?
When 2020 started, we were all happy for a fresh start, a new year, and a new decade. Anyone who bought a day planner was in for a rude awakening because there was soon nothing to do, businesses, entertainment, restaurants, and sports were closed or cancelled. Planners were useless unless you needed to plan the trips from the bedroom to the living room and the kitchen. -
2020-05-03
Self-discipline
Because we are an online study, I am afraid to submit assignments late or cannot do other things on time. I was doing tasks to reach our goals (gain rewards) or avoid punishment.