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  2020-04-24

  Personal Story of Lockdown

  As I write this I have no idea as to how long we have been socially isolating. I have not been keeping count of the days. I have been writing a diary of sorts but mainly just ordinary daily events not a 'pandemic' diary. My last physical contact and close encounter with friends was a Saturday afternoon and we made plans to see each other soon. Just two days later it was apparent that we would not see each other for a very long time. Quite suddenly the world was closed. How did I feel when the implications of the lockdown became apparent? At first it was just social isolation and I was sad as I wouldn't be able to see my family and hug them. Then very quickly the closure of libraries was announced – that really hurt as reading books is one of my main pleasures. An actual book that is not an e book on the laptop. Frustratingly I could see a book I had ordered – one that was in the middle of a detective series I was enjoying – through the window on the shelf inside the library tantlisingly close. And it was not available as an e book! But I felt I could just carry on as sort of normal. I would adapt and possibly go through my own library of books on my own shelves. Then they closed the beaches and told us we couldn't drive to a trail to walk. A state of emergency was declared and the borders were closed. The full implications of what we were facing were becoming alarmingly apparent. I worried about my friends and family and their health situations. I worried about my own health as I have a lung disease. I felt almost overwhelming concern for everyone that was facing economic hardship and how people were going to cope. On my own home front my husband and I were facing our own difficult scenario. He was about to start six weeks of daily cancer radiation treatment. At the end of January he had undergone a fourteen hour surgical operation to remove a tumour located in his sinus – and replaced with facial reconstruction. He had his upper jaw bone removed and replaced with a bone taken from his leg and a skin graft taken from his thigh. He was discharged after nine days a remarkable recovery that says much about his determination and courage. Now we had the radiation to face. A daily journey round trip of 130 kilometres. Then they decided to double some of the treatments six hours apart so we had to come home and go back as there was nowhere to wait out the time in town – 260 kilometres round trip in a day. But somehow in all this apparent chaos in the world for us there was a silver lining. Because of the lockdown the roads were relatively empty – car parking at the hospital was easy and free. Gas prices had fallen so the financial burden of all the travelling was eased. My husband did most of these trips for treatment on his own. He enjoyed the freedom of the open road, had the music turned up loud and the heating full on. And I wasn't yacking in his ear! And for me on a very personal level I realised that when the full implications of the lockdown became apparent and I was not going anywhere or doing very much I felt a strange euphoria. I realised that for a very long time I had suffered a sort of anxiety a feeling of stress to always be doing more. I happen to not look my age so when I complained about tiredness my family often instructed me to 'use it or lose it' Grandma! “You are only as old as you feel” has some scientific validation and I never really felt as old as my advancing years but it was often a bit of a struggle. I am a photographer not professional it is a hobby but I sold some of my work at the local farmers market. So I always had personal goals and work to do. The real pleasure was in going out into the countryside and walking the beaches and photographing the landscape and wildlife. Without me giving it a conscious thought when the lockdown became strict my anxiety fell away. It just wasn't there anymore. I didn't need to step up to the mark all I needed to do was stay on my property. I am fortunate that I live on the edge of a tidal inlet so I look over water and the wildlife comes to me! Facing west I enjoy stunning sunsets. I have found myself relishing being able to relax and do stuff as I felt like it. Spacing out the things I wanted to do and taking the time to enjoy even the mundane stuff. My concentration levels changed my sleep times changed. I always resisted an afternoon nap it seemed such an 'elderly' thing to do. Now I was having a lovely nap after lunch and still unbelievably enjoying a long nights sleep. My energy levels changed – they got better! Books and movies I thought I would enjoy I didn't, but I would spend longer just sitting outside watching the waves or the clouds, listening to the birds and watching the squirrels. Catching the moment when an otter swam by or a bald eagle flew past with its catch. Because there wasn't anything else to do with my time I was 'using it not losing it' a completely different concept to the original cosh it was intended to be. If I could step away from the feeling of guilt for what others are suffering I can only say that I am relishing the ease of enjoying my days. This has also been enhanced by the support of dear friends and family who have provided meals and treats when cooking and shopping have been too much of a task. I have never eaten so well. My son, daughter-in-law and two grandchildren have collectively and individually been the source of much comfort to us both. Now we have had the news of the tragic shooting that took place in Nova Scotia last weekend. Everything staggers into jagged shards of grief and dismay. I can find no words to describe the anguish we are feeling for the victims and families of this random rampage of violence. As always in these situations we try to understand why it happened and as always it is locked inside the perpetrators head. In one way or another all Nova Scotians 'know' each other and we are all affected . We will continue to be a kind and compassionate community supporting each other through these incredibly difficult times. I feel I am living in parallel universes. The anxiety of the news of the pandemic and how it is affecting individuals and families in Canada and the world. The trauma of a mass tragedy in Nova Scotia that has a profound affect on so many individuals and families and collectively on all of us. The incredible feeling of love and warmth for my community as I see so many people stepping up to the mark and helping and supporting one another. Watching my beloved husband go through gruelling treatment with so much courage and determination so we can have a future together. And here I am thankful beyond words that I am here in this place at this time. I will not live in fear. I will cherish this time as it is so precious. We mostly live taking the future for granted and now we know we can't. It is fragile and cannot be pinned down only lived fully moment to moment in love and hope. This is what I have found.