Items

• 
  2020-08-10

  Seeing the Shades

  It is human nature to ignore somethings over others through the application of selective attention. According to human psychology, we tend to focus on information that we think matters more while ignoring the presumed irrelevant details. The same applies to colors. They are flamboyant, bringing out the best, most salient parts of objects. However, they are merely as alluring without the shades, the easily ignored parts that make objects pop. If you were to ask me before the pandemic COVID-19, what the utensil that produces shades means to me, I’d probably tell you schoolwork. It means working on an assignment in Spanish class, drafting an artwork for art class. It’s something that blends into my life, something so easily accessible that I had ignored. COVID-19 inspired me to expand my selective attention, giving me an opportunity to deal with my personal crisis. It allowed me to realize the importance of shades. Pencils are typical. They have long and narrow bodies, a burgundy pinkish eraser on the top, and a greyish carbon tip. It’s everywhere, in school, stores, houses…So obtainable that people tend to disregard its essentiality. Before the COVID crisis, I use a pencil mostly under instructions: “use a pencil to darken circles for this section”, “please use a pencil to do the annotations”, “always draft your artwork with a pencil”. It had been an object that I associate with obligations and restraints. I enjoy socializing and being in crowded locations. Deep down, I know that spending time with others provides me an excuse to not face “me”. Being accompanied by technology since my early childhood, it’s easy to feel lost and hollow when I’m idling around; when I’m truly alone with myself. I didn’t like being with myself because I know I would overthink. So, I used to go out whenever I could. It is a personal crisis that I have avoided and procrastinated on fixing. Coincidentally, the pandemic happened, and I was forced to quarantine in my house, with me. As a member of Generation Z, I spent most of the first two months immersed in technology: Tik Tok, Instagram, and YouTube. I used all my time absorbing useless information online, to fill the emptiness I feel from lack of social stimuli. Until one day when I was spacing out at my desk, thinking which information dump to go to next, I noticed my pencil lying on the table. I picked it up, with nothing in mind, I started scribbling on a piece of paper. The products are in all forms, intersecting with each other but not showing any outline of specific objects. They are abstracts piled together. It struck me as I realized the freeing side of pencil. When you press it on to the paper lightly, the shade that comes out is lighter, and vice versa. I understood that I have control over the pencil and over what I want to do. Not some structured art assignment that tells me to have a meaning in my artwork, to go with the norms of art. It’s a language of my own. When I see the overcrowded lines, I feel the noisiness; when I see spaced lines, I feel the indifference and coldness. That day, I spent the entire afternoon scribbling and looking at lines and shapes that I had created with a pencil. A language is forming. Being focused on my “language”, I registered my change as I started tuning out my anxious and overthinking self. I am feeling the present, because every single line, is controlled by me. I need to stay focused on expressing my feelings through lines. One might ask why I wouldn’t write journals instead, that way I can articulate my feelings more intentionally. But writing is restrained, you have grammatical and spelling structures to follow. There are so many rules to adhere to in order to let the future you look back and be able to understand what the present you are trying to say. That’s exhausting. I started to use pencil to scribble every day before I go to bed. It’s refreshing, almost like a personal space where I express all my feelings that I’ve experienced in the day. Through utilizing my pencil, I can appreciate the beauty in gradient of shades, the beauty of my consciousness. I consider penciling the medium that allows me to connect with myself and be more aware of my thoughts and feelings. Even though pencil can only produce monochromatic colors, they mean color to me. It is my form of communication with myself. I’ve been out with my friends several times after quarantine. But now, I no longer feel the constant need to be accompanied by someone to be distracted from my thoughts. I’ve learned how to respect my personal space and alone time. A clear line between my “me time” and my socializing times is established. This change for me is immaculate as I change the lens I use to see the world in, but this time, with more self-consciousness with it. Pencil helped me comprehend the importance of self-acceptance and appreciation of the unnoticeable things in life. It made me more conscious of my surrounding as I continuously try to seek things that I’ve taken for granted or have ignored. It freed me from my personal crisis, giving color to my world through shades.