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  2020-03-28

  Grace Papagno

  I have spent the first half of my life being angry at my mother, and the second half forgiving her. She was insensitive, narcissistic, and at times, downright cruel. There were, of course, reasons, explanations, and perhaps understandings of my mom’s behavior and I have made a lifetime study of her so that I would not be like her as a mother. And I was not. I even published a memoir about life with her and after her. Now, in the time of Corona Virus, I find myself attributing many of my strengths to my mother. I have not been frightened by this pandemic. Rather, I think I’m coming into my finest hour. I am strong, positive, and yes, even happy. When I was a child, my mother would not “allow” me to be sick. There was no sympathy for illness. If I “chose” to be ill, I would have to stay in bed, eat nothing but tea and toast, and there was absolutely no TV nor friends. I was, after all, “sick.” With that scenario, I did not miss a day of school from third grade throughout high school. Now it is as if my body refuses to harbor a virus. I do take the prescribed precautions, but I do not even entertain the thought or fear of this virus. I do sense that if I did contract it, I would not be stopped by it. My mother would not allow me to watch TV if the sun were shining, and so I learned the joy of the outdoors. “Go outside and play,” was her mantra on the non-school days. As an adult, I quickly learned that gardening is “playing in the dirt for adults,” and so now, isolated, I spend the sunny days – even the cold ones, out in my yard, either cleaning it up, laying down compost, or planting seeds. I do not turn on the television until after I’ve practiced my piano lesson and cleaned up the dinner dishes. Even then, I am so tired from the day, I only watch TV for an hour or so before I am off to bed. Busying herself with her job and caring for her home, my mother had little or no time to share with me. “Get busy. Do something. Read a book or something,” was her order of the day. At age seven I taught myself to use the sewing machine; at eight I learned to knit. I embroidered and did crewel work. Later in life I took watercolor painting classes and resumed piano lessons with a magnificent teacher. I got busy. I seem not to have enough time in each day here, isolated at home, to catch up on my pastimes. Now in the day of COVID-19, I finally have time to do all the things I love to do without being interrupted for social events or volunteer promises. And whom do you think I attribute all the myriad interest, health, and self-sufficiency I find myself graced with – my mother, who unwittingly gave me the tools to find joy in isolation and meaning in the mundane. I am doing fine in this time of the pandemic. Thank you, Mom.