Items

• 2021-08-28

  A year and a half (and counting) in my room

  Before hell happened I had never exactly been much for being outside, I live in Texas what do you expect? I spent most of my days inside and only ever went out for 1.5 social events a week and weekly classes. Then things started to go bad. Suddenly I had no reason to ever go outside, suddenly I was alone in my room, surrounded by mess and with only the light from my lamp and monitors. I actually started to take more walks because of the pandemic, I just had to get outside, I had to move at all, I had to do something. The human brain is not well equipped for quite this level of repetition, day in day our in the same environment doing the same thing, checking the same few websites to see how bad things have gotten for those still brave enough stupid enough or desperate enough to be out in the world, to see the hell that the world became when everything changed. It is an experience that does not do well for motivation or mental health. I stopped really caring about school, I spent most of my days thoughtlessly doing the same thing and thinking, always fucking thinking about the state of the world and my own life and my own meaningless existence and I just couldn't... I couldn't stop thinking, thinking that my life had no meaning and I was worthless to all those around me and I was alone. Apparently, the human brain is not equipped for quite this level of repetition. It's quite a wonder I'm even stable now, considering the things I went through over this hellish year and a half, but here I am an, my life means nothing and I'm fine with that because life is beautiful, even if people are irresponsible and hateful it isn't their fault, it's the fault of the very people who let this get out of hand in the first place. I was able to finally see that, and I kept realizing it over and over and over and over again, and I'm still realizing it today. The real point is that we are not separated by race or religion or sexuality or gender identity or anything like that, we are all just people, and we need to help each other. The human brain is not well equipped for quite this level of repetition but that's only if we're alone.