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  2021-02-17

  It took my world

  This is a photograph of my best friend, my mother. In December of 2020, we went to Disneyworld and came back with Covid-19. I was barely pregnant at the time, but my Covid symptom was only a cough. This cough would only hurt my uterus, so when I started to miscarry, I wasn’t too surprised. My mom, on the other hand, thought that her muscles were sore from walking around the parks for a few days. She had a cough and a bit of a fever, but was still walking around the house as we quarantined together. She was cold, which only ever happened when she was sick. One day, she didn’t leave her room because she was struggling to catch her breath if she did too much. She had me turn the heater on for her because of how cold she was under her blankets and comforter. She had been keeping her C-PAP machine on to give her the extra air support, but when we checked her oximeter, it was only at 70. So I called the paramedics like she asked me to, they came, we met them at the door, her vitals were taken, and they said that I could take her to the hospital or they could. I told her that I would drive. I had to take her to the emergency room that was not in our normal network because that’s what was open. I took her there with the expectation of getting her transferred the next day. When we called, the other hospital couldn’t take her because all of their beds were filled. So, she stayed there, and I couldn’t be with her because they were trying to keep the spread down. She was texting and FaceTiming me for the first 4 days that she was in the emergency room. On the 5th day though, she stopped responding. I called the hospital and they told me that she had spoken to her doctor and they had decided to put her on the ventilator to give her body a break for a few days. It was not a few days. On day 39 of her being on the ventilator, they lowered her sedation medication and she had no eye movement. So, I told them to let my brother go in and say his second final goodbye and to call me when they had ended her fight the next day. They called and said that she took a few seconds off of the ventilator before they called the time of her passing. I was alone now. My dad passed away in 2006 and my brother was a technical part of my family, but it was just me and my mom in the house still. Now, it was just me. A year later, I lost my home because I couldn’t get a loan approval to buy out my brother’s half of the equity. At that time, I was pregnant again with the baby girl that my mom dreamt of me having. This child that she had planned to be overly involved with, to play with, to snuggle, to kiss, and to have memories and adventures with. But now, the nursery would be someone else’s room. A stranger. Covid-19 took my baby, my mom, my house, my stability, and my will to love. I have been able to love my baby girl, but I am always comparing myself to my mother and thinking about how she could’ve been the best grandma. How she would’ve helped me. How we would’ve traveled to so many places together. And now, I struggle to pay rent on a single room. I leave my child at daycare 5 days a week and try to keep her there for each meal in case I don’t have enough to feed her. And I hide away from a lot of socializing because my mom was my favorite person to hang out with.