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  2021-01-22

  Reliving my Life as a 6 Year Old

  You know, I don’t see much difference between the lifestyle I’m living right now and to the one I was living 10 years ago. 6 year old Me’s daily routine: Wake up: check Do school work at my desk: check Mope around the house: check Annoy my siblings: check Attempt and fail at anything in the kitchen: check Look outside my bedroom window and daydream: check Draw and doodle endlessly: check Want to see my friends: check Think about what I want to be in the future: check Sleep without expecting much the next day: check This year was horrible. There is, of course, covid happening and political events and natural disasters and death. The world and society is constantly changing and shaping due to the actions of people, possibly in the worst way possible, while all I’m doing is sitting in my room, looking out to the vast blue sky. And I have a confession: I feel like I’m missing out on everything. I KNOW I SHOULDN’T BE SAYING I’M MISSING OUT ON CONTRIBUTING TO THE WORST YEAR POSSIBLE, but I just miss the other not-so-horrible things in life such as experiencing highschool (debatable though), meeting new people (also very debatable), going out for the day, traveling to see family and friends; you know, making memories, having fun, the things that make life worth living. For the past few years of my life, like any teen going through adolescence, I’ve met hardships, failures, tears, but during this lockdown, I’ve haven’t felt any of those things in a while. The same goes for the successes, the excitement, and the joy-- it’s been a while since I’ve felt those too. My life at the moment has reached a straight. Life is supposed to have its bumps - its highs and lows-- a road with unprecedented surprises, but I’ve been going through life as if I’ve pressed autopilot, set to one direction. Time is passing all around me and I’ve been on this one way road, destined to who knows where, and I haven’t done much to enjoy life for what it truly is. However, my situation hasn’t been nearly as bad as others though and I’m truly grateful for that. One thing I won’t ever regret doing is resisting the urge to go out. I’ve been tempted a few times, but I’ve stayed quarantined from others-- you know the one thing that we all should be doing. I’m glad to say that I haven’t put my family, my friends, my neighbors, heck, random strangers’ lives at danger and I’m going to keep doing this until things finally boil down. The last thing I want to do is change someone’s life for the worst. Though it sounds like I’m all gloomy and what not, I don’t think quarantine was a complete waste of time. I’ve been able to sit and reflect in my own thoughts-- the one thing I’ve been trying to avoid. Like I said in the beginning, the life I’m living now is nostalgic of my 6 year old self. Not like the goldfish crackers and PBS kids TV shows kind of way, but the experiences I’m reliving. The last years of my life have been hectic and I’ve been striving for self improvement. I haven’t really sat down and let those experiences marinate. I’ve been doing, doing, doing, but I haven’t asked myself the true reasons for my actions. Self improvement, development of my character, blah, blah, blah, everyone says that stuff, but I’ve asked myself what DO I truly aim for: an end goal? A life goal? Why did I do the things I did back then, and how would they affect me now and later. Thus I revert back to my 6 year old self-- curious about what I want to be in the future and learning what it is to be a good person. I’ve come to realize my many flaws and rethink my mistakes and actions I’ve acted in the past. I’ve come to realize some of the things I did back then and the things I do now aren’t very nice-- for others and myself. Sometimes I’m too judgemental, I overthink things, I’m brash, I take things for granted, I do things for my own benefit-- heck, I can keep listing. To say the least, I’ve become more self-aware. Things aren’t all rosey posey and sunshine and rainbows-- quarantine helped me back down to earth and analyze my own character. I’ve also begun to realize the small things. Not my patience, but the things that give me joy. The nature in my backyard, windy days, my favorite nail polish, hot meals. I’ve been on this 1 track mind for so long that quarantine has made me stop and find joy, even the slightest bit of it, in things I would normally overlook-- the things my 6 year old self would smile for the brim for. I guess it hasn’t been all that bad. Could be better since I miss seeing people THAT aren’t constantly nagging my name to do the dishes, but hey, at least I’ve got my family to entertain me. I don’t know if we’re going out of quarantine anytime soon, but we did just get out of 2020. Cheers to 2021- maybe it’ll get better, maybe it’ll get worse, but hey it’s going to be quite a ride. Hope you enjoyed reading my brain dump and wish me luck as I try to tackle my kitchen; I am very determined to make both something at least edible and some new memories I can look back on.