Item
The Landscape of Emotion Series #1: My Emotions During Quarantine
Media
Title (Dublin Core)
The Landscape of Emotion Series #1: My Emotions During Quarantine
Disclaimer (Dublin Core)
DISCLAIMER: This item may have been submitted in response to a school assignment. See Linked Data.
Description (Dublin Core)
A description of my emotions which I have analyzed throughout the quarantine.
I cannot speak for all during this time, nor do I mean this work to indicate that all who are
feeling emotional disturbances feel this way. This is my own analysis of what I am working
through that maybe some could relate to. This slow realization is one I assume that I’ve
neglected since I had the autonomy to do my responsibilities outside and then get home and lay
my head upon my pillow to avoid any chaos that would happen if I were to entertain it.
On the regular day to day basis, where I could head home, head to work, wander
around–it’s funny that I still felt like time was never on my side. I felt like time was not my
friend, yet I was able to ignore and even push time aside to not confront my familial issues, the
resentment I had about being home, what Carl Jung would call my “shadow”, and all the pent up
emotions I did not want to recognize out of fear.
It is weeks into staying home, only leaving my apartment of four to do groceries, laundry,
and to take some moments to myself. I imagined that I would stay on track with my homework,
share cute moments with my partner who is here, participate in my craft that I have been
prolonging to begin, happily sit and unapologetically be idle. It is nothing like this. I have all the
time on my hands, but it feels tainted, I feel anxious and unable to do what I want when I am told
what to do with my time, my space feels small, and even when receiving the most pure and
significant amount of support from my greatest love, I find myself crying more feeling like I
have wasted his time with these unimportant emotions of mine while the death count rises and
while I could utilize this time to give him happier memories that he will reflect on in the future
when we remember this pandemic–not those where my eyeliner rummages down my unwashed
face on a late Thursday at 2:01 am.
The chaos that I always thought was escapable, is now not. I am unable to tell my mother
that I have to head to school instead of talking about the mistakes we have made. I am without
reason to sit in front of my father and see our similarities, how much we look alike, how much of
our actions parallel. I have to sit with the parts of myself I wish to turn my cheek to. Even when I
don’t want to, I have to reflect and constantly remember who I was and the confusion on who I
am. I feel like time is not on my side as I cannot control when I cry, when I walk around my
apartment and remember the things I don’t want to, be told the things I don’t want to hear, have
no authority when to leave this space.
Nonetheless, time has to be on my side. Whether it feels like it or it doesn’t. While I have
no interpersonal agency to stop the realizations I am having, to close my eyes to my memories,
or to keep my opinions to myself–I do have control over how I respond and how I ask for help. It
was not initially comfortable or helpful to look outside my window and admit to myself the
immense population that might feel the same, because you want to feel like your emotions as
your own. However, in general, when you are born into humanity and when you love through a
time where everyone is scared, there is nothing to do but admit that we as people are a collective
one. We as people, regardless of our individuality, are humans and share so much. In the time
that is on my side, I have realized that my mother is my best friend, my father and I should share
more hugs despite the past few years, I am in a place of constant growth yet constant reflection,
constant laying on the floor, and I am more in love than I have ever been.
Perfection and imperfection are constructs we should not abide by. This is not a time of
force, just to be.
feeling emotional disturbances feel this way. This is my own analysis of what I am working
through that maybe some could relate to. This slow realization is one I assume that I’ve
neglected since I had the autonomy to do my responsibilities outside and then get home and lay
my head upon my pillow to avoid any chaos that would happen if I were to entertain it.
On the regular day to day basis, where I could head home, head to work, wander
around–it’s funny that I still felt like time was never on my side. I felt like time was not my
friend, yet I was able to ignore and even push time aside to not confront my familial issues, the
resentment I had about being home, what Carl Jung would call my “shadow”, and all the pent up
emotions I did not want to recognize out of fear.
It is weeks into staying home, only leaving my apartment of four to do groceries, laundry,
and to take some moments to myself. I imagined that I would stay on track with my homework,
share cute moments with my partner who is here, participate in my craft that I have been
prolonging to begin, happily sit and unapologetically be idle. It is nothing like this. I have all the
time on my hands, but it feels tainted, I feel anxious and unable to do what I want when I am told
what to do with my time, my space feels small, and even when receiving the most pure and
significant amount of support from my greatest love, I find myself crying more feeling like I
have wasted his time with these unimportant emotions of mine while the death count rises and
while I could utilize this time to give him happier memories that he will reflect on in the future
when we remember this pandemic–not those where my eyeliner rummages down my unwashed
face on a late Thursday at 2:01 am.
The chaos that I always thought was escapable, is now not. I am unable to tell my mother
that I have to head to school instead of talking about the mistakes we have made. I am without
reason to sit in front of my father and see our similarities, how much we look alike, how much of
our actions parallel. I have to sit with the parts of myself I wish to turn my cheek to. Even when I
don’t want to, I have to reflect and constantly remember who I was and the confusion on who I
am. I feel like time is not on my side as I cannot control when I cry, when I walk around my
apartment and remember the things I don’t want to, be told the things I don’t want to hear, have
no authority when to leave this space.
Nonetheless, time has to be on my side. Whether it feels like it or it doesn’t. While I have
no interpersonal agency to stop the realizations I am having, to close my eyes to my memories,
or to keep my opinions to myself–I do have control over how I respond and how I ask for help. It
was not initially comfortable or helpful to look outside my window and admit to myself the
immense population that might feel the same, because you want to feel like your emotions as
your own. However, in general, when you are born into humanity and when you love through a
time where everyone is scared, there is nothing to do but admit that we as people are a collective
one. We as people, regardless of our individuality, are humans and share so much. In the time
that is on my side, I have realized that my mother is my best friend, my father and I should share
more hugs despite the past few years, I am in a place of constant growth yet constant reflection,
constant laying on the floor, and I am more in love than I have ever been.
Perfection and imperfection are constructs we should not abide by. This is not a time of
force, just to be.
Date (Dublin Core)
April 2, 2020
Creator (Dublin Core)
Nyckole López
Contributor (Dublin Core)
Nyckole López
Event Identifier (Dublin Core)
VART3030
Partner (Dublin Core)
Fordham University
Controlled Vocabulary (Dublin Core)
English
Emotion
English
Home & Family Life
Curator's Tags (Omeka Classic)
fear
family
emotion
growth
reflection
Linked Data (Dublin Core)
Date Submitted (Dublin Core)
04/02/2020
Date Modified (Dublin Core)
04/27/2020
02/19/2021
11/16/2021
Date Created (Dublin Core)
04/02/2020
09/25/2020
Text (Omeka Classic)
A description of my emotions which I have analyzed throughout the quarantine.
Accrual Method (Dublin Core)
1115