Items

• 
  2022-03

  Yesteryear

  Yesteryear is the product of pent up anxiety, confusion, loss, depression and hopelessness, painted in 2022. It is how I would describe life before and after Covid-19. Separated into two pieces the anterior canvas is multicolored, to represent the carefree state of life. It can represents the high points in my life pre-pandemic, inclusive of freedom and family. The oil protrudes in some parts and is flat in others signifying the highs and lows of everyday life. The posterior canvas is quite the opposite if viewed closely, some of the colors used in the painting above have been covered in dark colors. It is smooth to the touch. No high points in this instance. All lows. Dreary. Dark. The red bordering both , represents the vitality of human nature. At the top it was uncontrolled, bleeding into all other aspects of life pre-Covid. As it travels south, it becomes thinner, more rigid, more linear. It then starts to completely disappear and despair has taken its place.
• 
  2020-04-25

  Dear Diary.. What's going on?

  This diary entry explains my emotions and thoughts about what's going on in the world right now. This piece of work is important to me because it's me being in my most vulnerable state. I'm honest, open, and true about what I'm feeling during this pandemic and how it effects me mentally, physically, and emotionally. Enjoy.
• 2021-09-30

  A YEAR IN LEBANON WITH COVID-19

  It all started suddenly. I was visiting my family in the states during Christmas break 2019; everything was perfect life was just fine, and my vacation had to end as planned. I packed my luggage flew back to Sidon, Lebanon, where my husband was waiting for me. I got married in August 2020. I had to leave the state, settle down with my husband, and work because he did not have a green card or American visa. After a few months passed, I decided during the holiday break to visit the U.S. and apply for my husband's alien visa, which is what I did. I went back to my work in Lebanon in the American school after the Christmas break. Our school started again, but all children were sick every day; one of the children did not come at the end of January; almost all the class were absent for a long time. It was the beginning of an immense tragedy. All the news started talking about a new virus spreading fast around the world. I did not even think one percent of the virus would spread worldwide, which was only the beginning of the covid-19 pandemic. The economic situation in Lebanon was destroying every day, and many revolutions plus when covid-19 began, it started to get worst every day. We did not know what to expect my family away from me, which made me more anxious. Our school received a letter from the secretary of education all schools must shut down in two days or less, and this was the situation around the world, not only in Lebanon. By the beginning of February, all schools, government places, even private, malls almost the whole country shut down for more than six months completely. The street was like a horror movie. My life routine got missed up, and the entire planet, many people lost their lives and the people of my family as well. I was so worried about my family, praying that nothing would happen to them, especially I was away. I did not even work from home because I was only a teacher assistant nothing much left to do; even the gym closed, so I started working out at home. One day my lawyer called from the states and told me my husband's case pended because the immigration was closed till further notice, my mental health was distorted and duplicate as well my husband. Due to my husband is a refuge and has no citizen, we could not do anything about it besides waiting. Days passed by, and the situation was getting worse, and nothing was changing. August 4, 2020, we went to my family law spent the day there. Everyone likes to nap through the day, and this was what we were about to do till a one-time big explosion happened in Beruit, Lebanon Hundreds of people lost their lives the country got into a whole tragic pandemic plus outbreak. Two days later, we received an email from the U.S.CIS asking for the rest of the documents to make an interview appointment. We received another email that said my husband's interview would be on November 15. I felt that everything was going in the right direction after months of depression, especially with the covid-19 pandemic and the economic and political situation. Life in Lebanon is not safe for living anymore. There was a lockdown from nowhere; the governor used to pick random days for the lockdown as if it was a puzzle. A day before the interview, the Immigration lawyer called asking me if we received an email about canceling the interview, which I did has no idea what was going on. I was crying so hard felt like life would remain this way called the embassy emergency said, we can not help; this is an emergency for life and death. It would be best if we waited till they decided on a new interview appointment. We got into a massive fight with my husband called my family crying nonstop, telling them how much I missed them and wanted to come back home. Covid-19 is a curse destroying our dreams. I emailed the embassy hundreds of times and called the immigration office in NYC, but nothing they could do for me. I asked them why the embassy canceled my husband's interview, and the answers were like the covid lockdown. They told me you could leave Lebanon and come back without your husband. I would never leave him behind depressed. The next day I received an email that I needed to keep checking the embassy's available interview days, and this is what we kept doing. We felt like we were hopeless and had no more powers. One day at night, my husband told me to check if anything was available for December because the rest of November days are unavailable. We were lucky enough to find one on December 9, 2021. We were so worried about getting canceled again, but luckily it did not, few days passed, and the date had come he got the visa, and obviously, they did not allow me into the embassy due to covid-19. We waited a week to get his passport back. Once we received it, it booked tickets right away and flew to New York. It was the first time for us traveling during covid-19, nothing is easy PCR test is required even though no one asked for it, we wore the face mask for almost 24hours it felt like hell. We arrived safely in the states after months of struggling. We asked not to leave the house for 15 days, filled an application with our phone numbers and address. Before and after Covid-19, nothing was the same hugging my family after a long time was like heaven. For me being by their side was all I needed during these days. I pray for better days, days without covid-19.
• 2021-08-14

  Beware a Pandemic

  As we approached our second year of the Covid-19 pandemic things like mask and disinfecting door knobs just became a norm to me. Unconciously, I wouldn't think of Covid-19 as the virus Id just live life with the existence of COVID. I am known for my obsession of believing a single cough could mean I'm at a near death so mentally I was just exhausted. After some time I began to worry about my two year old daughter, she was starting school at a special needs program which I could not wait for. I knew my daughter's progression was one of my top priorities but what about her health and well being? I couldn't help but think "What if there is COVID in the school?" I kept my company very small as I lived alone with my daughter. The only time we were exposed to other people was when she visited her dad on the weekends, but he too was very cautious. A week into my daughters schooling I finally stoped worrying and celebrated my cousin's birthday with her. A day later my cousin had called me with the news that she was COVID positive. My mind raced as I graphically remembered my daughter sharing a bite of a burger with my cousin, it was almost no doubt in my head that we were infected. I got both of us tested that very day and we were negative but I had knowledge on this infection I still held my breath as I knew I had to retest in two to three days. After three days when I planned to get tested I woke up with soreness in my eyes and a headache, I explained my pain to my boyfriend and he had said that he felt that pain too. Minutes after I got tested and I was positive my daughter was already at her dads house so I told everyone to get tested and everyone else was fine. Two weeks, fourteen days in quarantine drove me mad. I suffer from depression and something about being completely alone triggered me. I could not eat my symptoms continued to change. I lost my taste and my sense of smell. I couldn't walk or stand for too long but honestly my common cold from a month back felt worst than this. The mental and emotional aspect of this situation is what really hurt me. I was so alone and worried I missed my child and her dad had to take off work for a week. I barely had any money and I just felt like I couldn't reach any type of human interaction even with my electronics it wasn't the same. On my tenth day of COVID I went to retest and I was negative. The after mass of Covid took a toll on me. I lost 16 pounds and I already had issues with my weight personally. My stomach felt faint and empty for weeks after the virus was gone and I felt like I did not want to go anywhere. I decided to still quarantine for the full fourteen days just to be safe and rest. My daughter's school (which she wasn't attending due to not being home) called and said someone tested positive and that school would be closed for two weeks. My mom whom I haven't seen in weeks also called on the tenth day to tell me that she had a fever and went to get tested, another positive. I felt trapped almost as if I couldn't breathe. Getting back into the real world without seeming like a hypochondriac was so tough but just like the virus things change and I was over my anxiety. All that's left now is to worry about the long term effects... Who knows what the future might hold.
• 2020-10-02

  Growing Tired of This

  This might be long, but quarantine has been one of the worst experiences in my life. At first, I was kinda cool with the fact that I didn't have to go out. Not having to sit in classrooms for hours, not having to deal with hundreds of people at school, not having to deal with intense anxiety anymore! Life seemed pretty good for me at that time. Online classes during my last months in senior year of high school wasn't too bad. But when it came time for college, I was panicking. I mean, who wouldn't? Starting a brand new experience right in the middle of quarantine? That'd shake anybody in their boots. Like most things, it wasn't too bad at first. Sure, Zoom was pretty annoying to figure out, but things seemed to be running smoothly. However, in my opinion, trying to figure out Blackboard is a nightmare. That site is sooo not user friendly, it's such a complete mess. To this day, I'm STILL having trouble with it. The work load isn't too harsh, but trying to muster up the energy to do even anything during this pandemic is difficult. Everyday has started feeling the same: wake up, feel miserable, force myself to eat, try to do something productive (while feeling miserable), go to sleep, rinse and repeat. My depression has never hit this hard until starting college. On my worst days, I literally cannot bring myself to get out of bed and make myself food. I lie there with zero energy until the sun goes down. It'd be 6-8pm before I finally drag myself to the kitchen for a light meal (which is the same thing I've been eating for the past several months) or for a long, hot shower. I can hardly bring myself to focus on school work. As of writing this, it's currently 4:51 AM. My sleep schedule is an utter disaster. On most nights, I end up staying up till the sun rises. It's not too uncommon that I stay up for 20+ hours. Though this all comes crashing back to me when I end up sleeping through class Zoom calls, or even oversleeping and missing my classes entirely (it's happened twice so far and both times have spiraled me into a deep depressive episode that I won't be describing). Trying to be productive during quarantine is a joke. I have a lot of things around me that can entertain and distract me. How am I expected to focus when Twitter, YouTube, and Discord are in my reach 24/7, you know? During my classes, I just tune everything out. What's even the point of listening, when professors ramble on for a two hours about things you don't even care about, when all the assignments just consists of reading a bunch of articles that bore you to death and then having you write some response (that you can easily BS) to it? I never thought I'd say this, but I just want to be allowed to go out again. I'm tired of all of this. I'm so exhausted. Learning virtually is mentally draining. It can hardly be considered learning. I doubt anybody is really even absorbing any information being given to them during these virtual meetings, save for the few innocent souls that haven't been tainted by quarantine depression yet. I'm so sick of it all. I can't focus. I can't bring myself to do anything. I just can't anymore. (Also isn't it kinda stupid how they're letting literal children go back to school and yet campus won't be open? Okay sure, maybe it's because CUNY has way more students, but still. I wouldn't trust a 5 year old to properly wear a mask for the whole day and practice good hygiene. Kids are messy.)
• 2020-06-08

  Life during Covid 19

  During this pandemic my life personally has taken a turn, with my mother being ill with a chronic disease ovarian cancer It was and still very difficult to get through it. I have to be extra careful with going out to places since my mother is a high risk patient. This leaves me with minimal social life which can be depressing because in times like this your friends and close family is your biggest support. This pandemic have impacted many lives, New York a city where there is always a rush and hustle was dimmed down when this pandemic hit which can take a emotional toll on an individual, personally for me since i am an outgoing person It was a difficult adjustment. Furthermore, At some point the same old routine of working remotely and online school can get to you. This pandemic has caused my classes to be fully online which can sometimes be challenging in terms of time management and keeping up with all the work load. Commute has also been rough during this pandemic people are afraid to take the subways making commuting from work an added stress, Overall this pandemic has been a life changing event for many people and I am hoping we soon return to normalcy.
• 
  2020-09-15

  My COVID 19 dilemma.

  Throughout my life I have heard stories about past and all the hardships that was encounter and I never thought I will go through the same thing. 2020 brought about a pandemic that will always be remembered. The virus was heard in December 2019 and everyone downplayed the seriousness of it. Everyone thought it was not serious however as it traveled across the globe it laid waste in its path. Killed about 1 million people including friends of mine who fell victim to it. I was emotionally drained and physically depressed due to our new style of living. We lost what we knew was life. Our every day norm and the whole world was on pause. Class being moved to remote didn’t help me academically because not only was I distracted but I kept thinking of what was going on in the world. COVID 19 affected me by ruining all the opportunities I had lined up for 2020, it wasted 1 year of my life and I failed to do anything productive. If life has thought me anything is that nothing last forever and fortunately we are beginning to enter our old life and I can make up for everything I couldn’t have done this year.